BROWN HQ (June 28, 2007) -- Lots going on around the
Iron Range, even though I'm staying pretty close to home (baby time is
coming soon). Today brings the local hearing about the controversy in
the state health department regarding the potential cover-up of
information about health risks for Iron Range miners. It will be today
at the Mt. Iron Community Center. I expect the event will dwell on the
personal stories of people affected by the rare form of cancer possibly
caused by mining activity on the east Range. It's hard to say what the
outcome of this controversy will be, but one would hope that it leads
to a thorough analysis of the health risks and some sort of mitigation
of those risks, not just political "gotchas." Though there will be
"gotchas," too.
BROWN HQ (June 26, 2007) -- Don't let "the Man" ruin the
best new show on TV just because summer viewership is down across the
board. Tell CBS to give the four remaining "Creature Comforts" episodes
a fighting chance. It's the best reviewed show of the summer, but our
viewers must have just been out on a camping trip or sipping drinks in
the yard at the time. Now the days are getting shorter and they're
coming in to see what's on. Let them see something good for a change!
Life on the Iron Range presents many challenges; a
volatile economy, cultural distrust of outsiders and small town
parochialism.
But one great advantage we have here is that no one from any rung of
the social
ladder is expected to be fashionable. I’ve seen city officials wear
sweatsuits
to ribbon cuttings and the high school kids don’t know it yet but that
thing
they’re wearing is sooooo
last year. To me, this is good
for many reasons not least of which is that our freedom from fashion
means we
needn’t own nearly as many “dry clean only” items of clothing.
I bring this up because the other morning “Good Morning America” discussed, at length, some of the pressing national trends regarding dry cleaning, something that matters very much to people who must be fashionable. For instance, did you know that in a study only 2 percent of the New York dry cleaners who made mistakes or damaged clothing apologized to their customers? I mean (cue Jerry Seinfeld impression), what is the deal with these dry cleaners? (End Jerry Seinfeld impersonation). It’s enough to make you want to wear a black turtleneck and snarl condescending remarks about an off-Broadway play over $5 iced coffee drinks.
Well, maybe not.
I dry clean my suits (who am I kidding, suit) from time to time, usually when the meatball stains from the teacher convention start attracting the really big flies. And all those who follow this pattern are enough to keep the handful of remaining Iron Range dry cleaners in business (staffed, incidentally, by very polite and courteous people). But I’d much rather run my clothes through our handy washer combo in the basement. Plus, I’d rather not iron, so I lean toward items you can wear right out of the dryer … or, you know, pulled out of the basket a few days later. The last thing I need is another chore to add to banking, grocery shopping and buying freight cars full of diapers.
The relative rarity of dry clean only clothes up here has other advantages. By now many have heard the story of the guy who is suing a dry cleaner for losing his favorite pair of pants. These pants must have been extra special because he’s seeking $54 million in damages. According to an ABC News story from June 13, the man broke down in tears as he told his version of events the day the dry cleaners said a pair of cuffed pants were his even though he knew otherwise. “I have in my adult life, with one exception, never worn pants with cuffs,” the man said in testimony. I am left assuming that the man keeps a “pants log” to keep track of his cuff/no cuff ratio.
There’s a good chance the pants man’s case will be thrown out before this column even goes to press, but nevertheless this fiasco got a lot of press. I can’t help but notice, however, that these sorts of things don’t happen on the Iron Range. Few here have a pair of pants they’d be willing to sue over. I lost some of my favorite pants over the years because I really shouldn’t have mowed lawn wearing them. I never once considered suing Briggs and Stratton for their failure to put a “grass stain” warning label on the mower deck.
The most you’ll see locally along these lines are the signs at Laundromats that say “work clothes only” on certain machines. That’s just a courtesy. If you’re washing delicate $500 blouses or skirts, you probably aren’t going to risk the machine just used by Joe Blow coming off midnights. For Iron Rangers, any piece of clothing that costs triple digits better pull a trailer or have surround sound, too.
That’s what I love about living here. I can
barely dress
myself, as most observers would attest, but around here that’s no
social
liability. After all, no one ever complains about the politeness of
detergent
or the customer service skills of fabric softener.
BROWN HQ (June 23, 2007) -- I forgot to post
that I'd be on the air this morning with my weekly essay on "Between
You and Me" with Heidi Holtan on 91.7 KAXE. This week's topic was the
circus, in honor of the independent public station's summer fundraiser
theme "The Greatest Show on Earth." I think it will be rebroadcast
Monday morning. I'm not posting most of these essays anymore because I
plan to include many of them in my book due out next year. Either
listen to the station or save up your pennies for my highly affordable
book. I'm still posting my columns, which also may appear in the book,
so enjoy those instead.
Be sure to join
KAXE. They are a true northern Minnesota gem and do more with less
than any nonprofit I know.
BROWN HQ (June 23, 2007) -- This story starts a few
weeks ago when our only VCR died. VCRs are on their way out but we
decided we'd like to keep one around on the off chance we'd want to
watch our old tapes, including my only copy of "All the President's
Men" and my "Best of Late Night with David Letterman" collection. Also,
Henry's favorite "Thomas the Tank Engine" stories are still on VHS.
And, of course, without a TiVo the VCR is the only way to record shows
when we miss them. Monday night is "Creature Comforts" night, and I
have a meeting in Grand Rapids at the same time. Since it was going to
be one of my last chances to be credited in a national TV show I
thought I shouldn't miss it.
BROWN HQ (June 20, 2007) -- Patrol the headlines of the Star Tribune, Duluth News-Tribune and Mesabi Daily News this Wednesday
morning to see reaction to Tuesday afternoon's word of an impending
investigation into allegations that the state
health department sat on reports of increasing rates of a unique form
of cancer among Iron Range miners. Interestingly, the DFL State
Senator leading the investigation charge Tuesday was John Marty, a
metro-area legislator often at odds with some members of the Iron
Range's DFL delegation. (Huh?!) The Steelworkers and Teamsters unions
are demanding action and I predict there will be large demonstrations
of both courage and cowardice among northern Minnesota politicians and
media moguls in Wednesday's papers. Anything other than a thorough,
professional and objective review of this matter in the full light of
day is an insult to the working people of the Iron Range. I will watch,
with amusement, as some big whigs think of clever ways to argue against
that obvious position. You can sort the heroes from the hacks by
reading their newspaper quotes. Watch the quotes. Also, see what the
editorials say. If you read between the lines, you'll start to see an
interesting dynamic in our state of political affairs on the Iron
Range.BROWN HQ (June 19, 2007) -- I admit. I probably think
about economic development strategy more than most 27-year-old Iron
Rangers. I've been very close to (but not inside) the inner circle of
knowledge about things like the proposed steel plant in Nashwauk, the
proposed coal gas power plant near Taconite and many other ... you
guessed it ... "proposed" projects all over the Iron Range. I am still
deliberating their merits, but have come to at least one early
conclusion. We
Iron Rangers aren't going to last very long if we keep expecting some
big shot to come in and drop a $2 billion project in our backyard and
hire 100-1,000 of our friends and neighbors off the street. The odds of
that happening, despite what lobbyists or developers say, are only
slightly better than the lottery. Real economic development and
diversification can only happen when we citizens start doing things
ourselves. We're not alone or without financial help. We the people own
at least some of the mineral revenue that comes out of our Iron Range
earth. Instead of trying to turn 2/3 of our annual mineral wealth into
a down payment on $2 billion projects that would take 10 years to
manifest, think of how many jobs 30 local entrepreneurs could create
with $100,000 each? If each could create just five jobs, we'd have darn
near the number of jobs promised by some of these big developers,
without nearly as much regulatory or environmental horseplay. And the
owners would be local and motivated to stay in business for the long
haul. BROWN HQ (June 19, 2007) -- Last night was the third
episode of "Creature Comforts" on CBS. My interviews are featured
rather often which is nice to see. The goat/duck duo (my friend Joe is
the duck and his eccentric dad Bill is the goat) get some of the best
lines and my other friends, Kelly and Scott, are the houseflies who
have also gotten some of the funniest lines and context-based
animation. People on the Iron Range value a hard day’s work and
keeping it up for a whole career. But even the most dedicated worker
sometimes
coasts just a little right as a job comes to an end. Maybe the ditch
digger
rests against the shovel before quitting time. Maybe the seasoned
teacher
switches off her hearing aid during study hall. A rookie couldn’t do
that, but
it doesn’t hurt that much and they’ve probably earned it.
The same might be said for Bob Barker, the now former host of “The Price is Right.” I must admit I was not a regular viewer of the long-running price guessing game show. It’s been on CBS literally my whole life, though, and like most Iron Rangers I’ve woken up at 10:30 a.m. in places with no cable. So I’ve seen the show.
We’ve been home more this summer, so we caught Bob’s last week on the air. Bob was definitely “short timing” it. At one point, a woman wearing an ill-fitting top (that should narrow it down), grabbed Bob’s microphone after losing the showcase spin game to say hi to her family. “Get off the stage,” said Bob, dryly. No smiles. No sense of irony. Just an old man who had a schedule to keep.
Another contestant admitted that he never watched the show but had come with friends to be in the audience. Bob appeared aghast when he learned that this contestant was going to play for the most expensive prize ever offered on “The Price is Right,” a $100,000 recreational vehicle. “You don’t even know what this means,” he bellowed at the young man. “This means nothing to you.”
Barker also seemed to be doing less preparation before shows, depending on his memory for the rules of the various games – from “Plinko” to the “Golden Road.” “Oh, this one, huh,” he’d say.
It all reminded me of the waning days another showbiz Bob: Bob Saget on “America’s Funniest Videos.” Bob’s still on the air with his new game show “1 vs. 100,” but he was also the first host of “Funniest Home Videos,” an enormous franchise for ABC. That show, by the way, is the exact definition of a guilty pleasure. I wish I could say that I don’t laugh at a man shrieking in pain after a toddler whacks him in the groin with a frozen fish, but I do.
Anyway, point is the original version featured Saget – a crass standup comic who got famous playing the world’s most boring dad on “Full House.” He would do annoying voiceovers with dialogue like (high pitched voice) “Oh boy, I’m a baby eating dinner. I sure hope I don’t shove lasagna up my nose. OOOOO. Fiddlesticks.” For his first few seasons he would deliver this dialogue earnestly, but by the mid-‘90s he was stuck in his contract and moped through the show. I missed this when it was on originally, but when our son was born we caught a lot of the reruns late at night. Saget would actually mock the show’s writers on the air and close the show with comments to the effect of “Until my agent gets me out of this contract, see you next time.”
I suppose you hear some stories like this in “real” life, perhaps like the miner who takes his time getting changed at the start of his last shift. Sometimes people just want to move on to something else. But in a strange way I always like the hard edge of folks who no longer put up appearances. It’s refreshing to hear what people really think. I’d rather watch the morning news shows if the perky hosts were honest about how many brain cells they killed with segments like “Showing Up for Work; Still the Best Way to Get Ahead.”
Anyway, here’s to the short timers for keeping
it real.
Happy Retirement, Bob Barker.
BROWN HQ (June 15, 2007) -- I'm on KAXE Saturday morning
again with a new essay about "The Wisdom of Fathers," this week's topic
on the call-in show "Between You and Me." I relate some of the
experiences I've had as a fairly new dad to the pearls of wisdom my dad
passed along when I was a kid. Tune in 10 a.m. to noon on 91.7 KAXE
tomorrow morning, Saturday, June 16. Listen online at KAXE's website.
BROWN HQ (June 14, 2007) -- Yes, we're aware that
several "Thomas the Tank Engine" toys were recalled for having lead
paint. Henry is a Thomas junkie and has many of the toys, but none of
the recalled toys. Apparently a factory in China used lead paint on
several red and yellow engines, rendering them dangerous. Who the heck
even MAKES lead paint anymore. Sheesh. Anyway, we've gotten several
phone calls from concerned friends and relatives. Henry's trains have
passed the test. Fear not.(This is my Sunday,
June 10, 2007 Hibbing Daily Tribune column. More than most, it demonstrates
my fragile mental state at this time in my life.)For instance, try this one from Yahoo News: “Hookahs may pose same health risk as cigarettes.”
A study by the World Health Organization shows that water pipes in fact do release dangerous toxins and should be studied for health risks. This contradicts a myth, according to the study, that hookahs aren’t as dangerous as pipes or cigarettes. Good thing I hadn’t heard of that myth, because back when I quit smoking I might have gone straight to the water bong. Maybe that’s why the caterpillar from “Alice in Wonderland” has one of those electronic voice boxes now.
Wow, hookah jokes are harder to write than you’d expect. Moving on to another headline: “Construction boosts demand for cranes.”
Yes, with their majestic wingspans and ability to capture fish, cranes are the “in” bird for construction contractors this season. From Whooping to Sandhill, builders simply cannot finish a modern house without the help of these tall, feathered …
Oh, cranes. THOSE cranes! Sturdy and metallic, cranes lift materials on the construction sites for large, tall buildings. They do NOT eat fish and my researcher is so fired. Oh wait, my researcher is a desk lamp named Lampy. I haven’t been paying Lampy so we’ll call it even. (Seriously, try Googling “cranes” and you’ll see a three-way Battle Royal between construction equipment, birds and a British gothic rock band).
Here’s the real story on the crane shortage. An AP story from May 29, 2007 indicates that a global construction boom has greatly reduced the availability of tall cranes used for building large structures like hotels and office buildings. This comes in combination with a shortage of workers willing to operate such cranes, a profession that features tremendous heights and tedious repetition. The result: delays and higher costs for new construction on big projects.
I am left picturing a comic (or tragic) one-act play. The setting: an enormous factory that makes extremely tall cranes. The characters: Rusty, the experienced line worker, and T. Ambrose Cranewell IV, owner of Cranewell Industries. Scene!
T. AMBROSE CRANEWELL IV: We’ve sold the last crane! I’ve never seen such demand for our cranes! Huzzah! I shall be at the club, chortling and sipping brandy like never before!
RUSTY: Fool! With no more cranes how can we finish assembling and loading these other cranes?! We’re ruined!
T. AMBROSE CRANEWELL IV: (pauses, weeps) Oh, how my family has fallen. Lo, how I have laid us to ruin! Indeed, as we have reached the pinnacle of our crane making, cruel fate picked us up, raised us to a great height, moved us over somewhat, and then gradually set us back down in a bad, bad way!
Enough about the cranes. I’ve clearly lost my mind. The point is that an active imagination can find intrigue in even the blandest of world business news. (Except for steel tariffs. Ain’t nothin’ funny about steel tariffs.)
Tune in next week for more fun with homonyms!
Either that
or something else.
BROWN HQ (June 6, 2007) -- Barack Obama is tied
with Hillary Clinton in a national poll of Democrats now. Other polls
still show Hillary with a moderate lead. John Edwards -- my guy -- is
still leading in Iowa however and I maintain that he could see a major
upswing if he wins there when they hold the caucuses next century or
whenever they are. BROWN HQ (June 4,
2007) -- Since it no longer matters if I'm cool or not (the answer
having now been firmly established as "no") I am free to make an
observation. I really enjoy playing with "Thomas the Tank Engine"
trains. Henry has taken to these little British engines and their
various friends, which is normal. He is 2 after all. At first I was
very supportive because the "Thomas" series is so unlike other popular
kids toy/video deals. These engines work all day. They make fun of
engines that don't work. They prize being useful as the most important
trait. They don't sing hippie songs and call each other special; they
haul 18 tons up a hill and lay the smack down on mouthy freight cars.
This is what we need in America. However, lately, I've been enjoying
the trains a bit too much. I am very much "over 2." But Christina has
caught me and Henry both gazing with longing at the "Thomas" check list
which features the approximately 500-some smiling trains offered in the
collection. BROWN HQ (June 4, 2007) -- Monday is the big day. Tune
to CBS at 7 p.m. central time to watch the premiere of "Creature
Comforts," a new, highly creative animated show. As I've already
said here, I was one of several interviewers who found voices that
producers and animators used to make a funny animated "mockumentary" of
talking animals exploring the meaning of life. My subjects include the
house flies and the goat/duck duo in the barn. That’s right. New technology turns once dirty coal into birds that symbolize world peace. (Don’t stand underneath these doves, though; their jet black droppings might burn off your face).
The magic words are “clean coal,” used to describe a broad range of projects including local efforts to upgrade coal burning facilities and a proposed new experimental coal gasification plant in rural Itasca County. “Clean coal” is also used to describe another experimental technology: coal fuel. The New York Times reported on May 28 about efforts by the coal industry to sell new liquefied coal as an “alterative” energy source. Like ethanol, officials say, a modified coal diesel would help us declare independence from foreign oil. But critics point out that this coal fuel probably wouldn’t be any cleaner or cost effective than oil. In fact, we haven’t even fully proven if ethanol is cheaper or better for the environment and that’s made from healthy heartland corn instead of little rocks as black as, well, coal.
It’s a war of public perception and both political parties are going along for the ride with the coal lobby. As long as we’re at it, I thought of a few new uses for coal as we phase it out of our energy generation:
1) To enhance the landscaping around the smokestacks of your new “shades of green” home.
2) Grounds for a gourmet coffee that tastes bad until you get used to it. Or die.
3) New branding as “old school” diamonds. (“Give her a necklace that says your heart has loved her since the dawn of time … or at least the late Jurassic period when a rotting dinosaur started to become the rock on this tennis bracelet”).
Naturally, I’m kidding here. I like to think I’m fairly pragmatic. Coal generated energy has an important role to play in our country’s near future. We can’t replace it overnight. Efforts to upgrade current coal burners, like what’s happening at Minnesota Power’s Clay Boswell plant are good first steps. But we should be very wary about building new coal burners of any kind. Whether the full effects of global climate change occur in 10 years or 150, the carbon emission decisions we make now are crucial. And the reasons are not entirely environmental. Regulatory changes and atmospheric necessity are putting added pressure on energy companies to reduce carbon. When it becomes financially beneficial to invest in the next generation of baseline energy producing technology, companies will do so – quickly and forcefully.
What we’re seeing is a stalling tactic. “Clean coal” is just a marketing campaign. Coal is carbon. You must release the carbon to extract the energy. You can burn it. You can gasify it. You can liquefy it. All of these processes are cleaner than they used to be, but they are not yet nor will they ever be “clean.” Wind, solar, hydroelectric, hydrogen and nuclear (once technology allows waste abatement) may all be legitimately called clean. These energy sources are the future. Standing in their way is the well funded machine of the coal and energy industries. I don’t blame them for trying, but it is what it is.
Coal had its day. Tomorrow is a new day. The
fat cats
know this; they’re just waiting to see if we’ll put up with the status
quo for
another generation. We shouldn’t.
BROWN HQ (June 1, 2007) -- My weekly radio essay is
about nicknames this week. Tune in Saturday to "Between You and Me"
with Heidi Holtan between 10 a.m. and noon on 91.7 FM KAXE and live
streaming online. My observations are largely based on my dad's
prolific use of nicknames with my childhood pets, sisters and me. I
also talk about the strange law that you may never give yourself a nickname.
These Saturday essays have been going pretty well so far. I expect many
of them will be made available in my ongoing book project, so keep your
eyes open for that.