December 2006 archive

Predictions for the new year

(NOTE: This is my weekly column for the Dec. 31, 2006 edition of the

Wizardry! Black Magic! Dark Arts! How do I make my annual Northern Minnesota predictions for the New Year? That’s for me to know and historians to sort out. I can say that the oracle of the Sax-Zim bog plays a big role, though you can’t take her predictions at face value. Most of her prophecy ends with the words “and so, can you give me a ride to town. It’s cold and boggy out here.” I won’t go into details, but sufficed to say you don’t want the oracle of the Sax-Zim bog sleeping on your couch. (She smells like moss.)

Of several major economic development proposals being discussed for the Iron Range region, only two will remain viable by the end of 2007.

Oh, I’m sorry. Is that too pessimistic for you? Am I killing your joy? What if I told you that one of those two proposals would be a fully-functional candy factory? Would that change your attitude? I bet it would. Mmm. Candy. Well, I’ve got three words for you: Mesaba Confectionary Project. What’s that smell? I can’t tell. It’s either bubbling caramel or the sweet aroma of progress.

Sports glory!

Northeastern Minnesota high schools will bring home three state championships this year. The high school league’s decision to recognize competitive fishing, hunting and ore mining will be cited as one key reason for the success.

Local politics!

One local town will be abuzz when citizens learn that one of its prominent leaders is, in fact, an automaton. A brief laser scuffle with police during a council meeting will air on cable access television, followed by the city official being dragged out of the chambers with half its robot face exposed. “Hu-mans! Hu-mans must pay!” the automaton will say. People across the town will be overheard saying, “You know, I should be surprised, but I’m really not.”

Celebrity insanity!

You thought jumpy Tom Cruise and the meltdowns of Mel Gibson and Kramer were hot stuff? You’ll NEVER guess which popular-but-not-as-popular-as-he-used-to-be star will go bats this year. Hint #1: He’s good looking … almost as good looking as he used to be. Hint #2: His meltdown will involve a boot and something one would hope is chocolate.

As many as 12 members of the United States Senate will announce publicly that they are not seeking their party’s presidential nomination. Only half of them will be lying.

Professional baseball!

The Minnesota Twins will make history by employing a one-man starting pitching rotation. Every fifth day Johan Santana will mow down 10-20 men and baseball’s biggest and best bullpen will pitch all other innings. The result will be another division title. October disappointment will return, however, when the team literally forgets to show up for the playoff opener against the expansion Las Vegas Burly Knee-Crackers. Their reason for doing so will be debated for ages.

Medical Breakthroughs!

Doctors will find themselves backpedaling as major drug companies release cholesterol drugs in a new cooking oil format. The new oil somehow enhances both the flavor and health benefits of anything deep fried in its golden goodness. Middle aged people will have to buy large plastic containers that sort Wednesday’s chicken nuggets cooked in clot prevention oil from Thursday’s onion rings fried in insulin oil. At the precise moment this new technology is announced the government’s food pyramid will collapse, killing the less tasty foods near the base. The social implications will be summed up by video footage of a shirtless Dick Cheney guzzling the new oil on the roof of a car outside the Mayo Clinic. “We live forever” he bellows, the medicinal nectar dribbling from his jowls.

Scoff if you will. You may believe my predictions to be folly. Some of them may seem bizarre, perhaps even crafted for comedic effect. It never fails, however, that at least one of my annual prognostications proves correct. Which one is this year’s gem? I don’t know, but 2007 has all the answers. Stay tuned.

More columns

Too early? What the hell: Vote Edwards

Happy Boxing Day

Merry Christmas!

Brown on the air today

Oh, Christmas Threat

(NOTE: This is my weekly column for the Dec. 24, 2006 edition of the

It’s Christmas Eve. My column is due and I am so hosed. I’ll just have to warm over something I’ve written about before. (Rustle, rustle, rustle). Oh, man. I’ve already been doing that for the last month!

Wait, look at this! How did I even get this? It’s a transcript of a radio exchange between the Air Force and the Homeland Security Department from today. I’ve been getting stuff like this since I changed my Yahoo user name to “loves_to_bomb_unstable_nations.” Unbelievable! And to think, I was able to find this and write about it in time to appear in today’s paper. Why, it’s a holiday miracle!

24 December 2006; 15:00

USAF STRIKE FORCE LEADER: Base, we are 10,000 feet over the Strait of Denmark. We have visual on a UFO. Can you confirm?

STRIKE FORCE: I was afraid you’d ask. You know how today is Christmas Eve?

BASE: Ungulates?

STRIKE FORCE: I wish; it’s nothing but kids singing “Jingle Bells.” It’s (garbled) really awful. They’ll be bearing down on New England in 30 minutes.

BASE: I’m patching you through to Homeland Security. They’ve been listening to your report.

HOMELAND SECURITY AGENT N.E. O’CONNER: Strike Force, does this elf look Arabic in any way.

STRIKE FORCE: Negative. This is Santa Clause. He is from the North Pole.

O’CONNER: To the sea. Light him up.

STRIKE FORCE: That doesn’t seem, uh, very Christmas-y.

O’CONNER: Strike Force, engage!

STRIKE FORCE: Roger. Strike Team, lock on. Fire! (pause) Report? Did he just throw candy canes at the missiles to misdirect them? Hey look. He’s waving. He’s got a sign. What’s it say? “Merry Christmas, Strike Team. Please hold fire or Santa will put you on the naughty list.” Base, I am not going on the naughty list. I’ve been helping old folks across the street all year long. I am not giving up my Nintendo Wii that easily.

O’CONNER: That’s a terrorist trick. Fire again!

STRIKE FORCE: (garbled) Fine, but you owe me a Wii. Strike Team, Fire Two! (pause) Report? Candy canes again! Oh, man. Look at Santa. He’s mad. Oh, he’s real mad …

SANTA (jamming signal): Ho Ho Ho! Santa’s not new to the skies, boys and girls. He’s got lots of presents for the good boys and girls of the world and he’s not going to let a little dogfight like this stop him. Hey, Strike Team. You’ll find your Nintendo Wii somewhere below in the Davis Strait. Ho Ho Ho!

STRIKE FORCE: No! Eject, Eject!

BASE: Flash dispatch cold water rescue team to coordinates (garbled)

O’CONNER: Are you running tape on this? You are, aren’t you? Call Tony Snow. Tell him the War on Christmas has gone from cold to hot.

STRIKE FORCE: (tapping Morse code on an iceberg): C-O-M-E (pause) B-A-C-K (pause) S-A-N-T-A.

END TRANSMISSION

More columns

Dylan Days 2007 is coming

Komodo dragon to have virgin birth

PUC hearing in Taconite is today

• A little more than 100 high-skill, high-paying jobs in the heart of the Iron Range, plus the likelihood of hundreds or even 1,000 temporary construction jobs
• Additional energy generation will be here in the event of future growth on the Range and/or greater demand in the Midwest.
• The coal gas technology -- if it works as advertised -- would produce fewer carbon dioxide emissions than traditionally fired coal plants.

• There is question over the demand for this energy and as such, great risk that the plant would not have any willing customers for its power. The main argument before the PUC is that power brokers like Minnesota Power believe this plant will have the dual effect of causing energy prices to rise while creating more supply than demand. This is possible because Xcel Energy, under current legislation, would be mandated by state law to purchase the Excelsior power at higher rates. I also worry that too much power on the grid could lead to rolling shutdowns at many local power plants.
• The technology has not been proven in a commercial setting. The primary example of another plant like this is in Indiana, but that plant is smaller and has spent many months shut down for repairs and market problems. The same energy bill that created Excelsior's federal loan guarantees bailed out the Indiana plant so it could reopen.
• The proposed site of the first big Excelsior plant is near Taconite, on a (relatively) undisturbed piece of wilderness. The geological formation beneath the site would prevent the new company from sequestering the liquid carbon waste produced from the new technology. This sequestration process is key to the environmental advantages of coal gasification. Excelsior says it will pipe the waste hundreds of miles away, perhaps to North Dakota, a process that would cost hundreds of millions of dollars, if not $1 billion outright.
• This project was first pitched as an economic development project near the old LTV site in Hoyt Lakes. At a state hearing, company leaders promised hundreds of permanent jobs, before gradually reducing those numbers and moving the site after getting free reign over emminent domain, permitting shortcuts and engineering and infrastructure grants. I don't trust much of what I hear from this unproven start-up company. More than that, I have never (and easily could have) received an explanation from anyone as to why we should trust them as completely as our local officials, chambers of commerce, lawmakers and media members have so far. Something smells. I think everyone got a little too excited about a big idea early on without knowing the facts.
  

It's writing time

Hot new dancing toys want my money

(NOTE: This is my weekly column for the Dec. 17, 2006 edition of the

This hasn’t really been a problem in our family. We tend to eschew the popular toys for more classic options. For instance, rocks are just as heavy as iPods. In fact, they’re heavier. Also, they can be used to crush the iPods of petulant braggarts. If it weren’t for that darned risk of being covered by paper, they’d be the best holiday toy ever. (Ha, I kid. Henry isn’t old enough for rocks yet.) But others seem determined to acquire hot new toy technology for their kids, no matter what.

When you look at technological advances over time, it’s easy to be amazed by the capacity of human imagination. Office documents once stored in a 10,000 square foot warehouse can now be stored on a flash drive smaller than an unfiltered cigarette (which, paradoxically, you are no longer allowed to smoke). Cars were once large, prone to explosions, and featured safety features like a “grab bar” that you could hang onto in the event of a crash. Now cars are so sophisticated that mechanics have to call people to work on them. Someday soon, an automobile crash will activate a triage robot that will tie tourniquets and, should your vital signs destabilize, scream, “Not today; not on my watch!” while beating your chest.

One area where new technology has become rather silly, however, is in these hot new toys being rolled out for the holiday season.

Barbie is making a last ditch effort to catch onto the craze with a dancing version of the popular waif-like doll. I don’t know if this year’s trends apply to non-penguins, but Babs will test the theory. Obviously, G.I. Joe is not going to come out with a dancing soldier toy. Indeed, G.I. Joe is poised for a disastrous year after the release of last summer’s “Greeted as Liberators Armorless Strike Force.”

But the MSNBC article, along with just about every expert opinion on Christmas shopping, says the balance of American kids want electronics, especially phones, MP3 players, and other beeping toys. In other words, the days of buying a $10 toy at the store a week before Christmas are long over, Grandpa. Head over to the electronics aisle and begin warming the MasterCard.

At least, that’s what the experts would have us believe. I still believe in a holiday season focused on family and hope. You don’t need a dancing penguin to make that happen. Though, I suppose a dancing penguin doesn’t hurt.

Day job, check!

Brown on the Air -- Saturday, Dec. 16

Smoke gets in your 'Ayes'

The blogger's burden

The holiday spin begins

(NOTE: This is my weekly Sunday column for the Dec. 10, 2006 edition of the Hibbing Daily Tribune.)

They arrive in the mail this month: first as a trickle, then as a wave, then finally in desperate lurches bursting from your mailbox on Dec. 26 as if to say, “I was so close.”

I’m talking about Christmas cards, and somehow I find it easier to write about them to address envelopes and actually send my own.

Of course, when you bring up Christmas cards you’re really talking about the “holiday letter,” which has largely replaced the traditional heavy stock card festooned with snowmen or wise men. The holiday letter was once handwritten and tucked inside the card, but sometime shortly after the home computer became widespread people began mass producing the letters on fancy colored papers and shipping them out without the cards. In theory this should make the process easier. There’s almost no handwriting involved and you can even use a mail merge to print envelopes. Nevertheless, we still find ourselves rushing to beat the looming holiday mail deadline every December.

Holiday letters are designed to help friends and relatives catch up on what we’ve been doing all year. But just as our nation’s politics have gravitated toward spin and misleading arguments, our holiday letters are becoming more like the political ads of a desperate candidate down by 20 points. Everyone wants to make their year sound impressive and nobody wants to bring up the family’s dirty laundry.

Most of the “experts” will tell you to keep it real in your holiday letter. Most people do, but that doesn’t mean you can’t dress up the truth a little. So for those of you who, like me, face the task of cranking out a letter in time for Christmas here are a few suggestions to deal with difficult phrasing.

Stuck in a rut? Sometimes December rolls around and you realize that not much has changed in your life since last December. This leads to lines like:

“I’ve been at Computrex for 15 years now, but I swear some days it only feels like 11, or maybe 12. I could cut down the plant in my cubicle and count the rings to find out, but it died five years ago. Or maybe six.”

Try this: “My resume has changed little since I rose from the low rank of processor plebe to the heights of assistant project manager at the Midwest’s 22^nd largest software distributor. However, my inner strength has allowed me to appreciate life’s detail, such as the harmony produced by the hot water pipes behind my desk and the florescent light above. Together, they sound like an angel washing her dishes in heaven.”

Offspring broke the law? This happens. They don’t build jails for show. I always like the failed efforts to mask these kinds of facts with religious references. “Donny is in a special place waiting for a sign from God to stop setting fires.” Try this instead:

“They say some of Dr. Martin Luther King’s best work came from his letters written in a Birmingham jail cell. Most of Donny’s letters from the NERC are threats to his brother not to mess with his Playstation, but each tome becomes more inspirational and somewhat less profane.”

Perhaps your picture didn’t turn out well. Your new hairstyle makes you look like your great aunt, circa 1948. A good year might have expanded your waistline. What a perfect opportunity to have one of those “old timey” pictures taken where it looks like a pioneer portrait. If you’re in costume, people might infer that you are also wearing a wig and padding for effect. This will buy you a few months to lose weight and grow the hair back before parka season is over.

Naturally, the real reason to send these letters is to keep in contact with loved ones during the holidays. It’s not a contest. But if it were a contest, it sure would be fun to win, wouldn’t it.

Brown on the Air -- Saturday, Dec. 9

Leaving Iraq the best chance for victory in the Middle East

I won the Toilet Bowl

Healthy living up north

Brown on the Air: Monday recap

Creature Comforts USA

Lighting the holiday season

(NOTE: This is my weekly Sunday column for the Dec. 3, 2006 edition of the

What a way to kick off a month of altruistic love! Nothing says “peace on earth” like the mental image of a well-dressed CEO making a final notation in his ledger, leaning back in his leather chair and calling his mistress to let her know he’s buying her an island nation.

We managed to avoid shopping malls during the long Thanksgiving weekend. In fact, thanks to my wife’s strong organizational skills we are completely done with our holiday shopping with only a small percentage of it taking place in traditional stores. Yes, we’re those people. It sure beats my old method of holiday shopping. I’d follow a theme in my gift selections, such as “things found on end caps” and “sale items.”

With the gifting squarely out of my hands, I take a different but equally important role during the holidays: I decorate the outside of our house. Sure, we may not live anywhere a city, or a highway, or other people. But should anyone stop by for a visit, I want them to see glowing orbs of holiday spirit even when they close their eyes. Ideally, this effect should continue for weeks or even months afterward. In this I am limited by a firm (and wise) light limit imposed by my family and my blatant, some would say dangerous lack of electrical knowledge.

In a world where some measure twice and cut once, while others use two chainsaws to eat a steak, I lean toward the latter group, especially when it comes to holiday lighting. I’ll spend hours on my lights only to end up two feet short of the outlet with nothing but strategically placed masking tape keeping the whole string from seizing up into a giant multi-colored ball. I wish I could say I get a little better each year, but things have pretty much been all downhill since I put three strings of lights on the tree in front of our old house.

I like to use the C7 lights. Most people like the little twinkling lights and some have moved entirely to rope lights, but I like the full bodied look of the C7s. I could go for the C9s, but come on … this ain’t the Champs Elysees. The problem with C7s is that they’re easy to break, especially in the cold (like Christmastime) and near hard things (like houses and the ground). A transcript of my lighting endeavor would have read like this:

ME (pleading with cheap plastic light hook): Hold, please. Hold!

LIGHT HOOK: (breaks)

C7 BULB: (breaks)

ME: (CENSORED!)

I managed to stay on the roof; in fact, the roof lights are my best work yet, even if the porch looks like a jumbled mess of glowing penguins and extension cords. It’s the holiday season and there’s no such thing as a dark night at our house.