Published Dec. 31, 2006 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune

Predictions for a new year

By Aaron J. Brown

Wizardry! Black Magic! Dark Arts! How do I make my annual Northern Minnesota predictions for the New Year? That’s for me to know and historians to sort out. I can say that the oracle of the Sax-Zim bog plays a big role, though you can’t take her predictions at face value. Most of her prophecy ends with the words “and so, can you give me a ride to town. It’s cold and boggy out here.” I won’t go into details, but sufficed to say you don’t want the oracle of the Sax-Zim bog sleeping on your couch. (She smells like moss.)

Economic development!  

Of several major economic development proposals being discussed for the Iron Range region, only two will remain viable by the end of 2007.

Oh, I’m sorry. Is that too pessimistic for you? Am I killing your joy? What if I told you that one of those two proposals would be a fully-functional candy factory? Would that change your attitude? I bet it would. Mmm. Candy. Well, I’ve got three words for you: Mesaba Confectionery Project. What’s that smell? I can’t tell. It’s either bubbling caramel or the sweet aroma of progress.

Sports glory!

Northeastern Minnesota high schools will bring home three state championships this year. The high school league’s decision to recognize competitive fishing, hunting and ore mining will be cited as one key reason for the success.

Local politics!

One local town will be abuzz when citizens learn that one of its prominent leaders is, in fact, an automaton. A brief laser scuffle with police during a council meeting will air on cable access television, followed by the city official being dragged out of the chambers with half its robot face exposed. “Hu-mans! Hu-mans must pay!” the automaton will say. People across the town will be overheard saying, “You know, I should be surprised, but I’m really not.”

Celebrity insanity!

You thought jumpy Tom Cruise and the meltdowns of Mel Gibson and Kramer were hot stuff? You’ll NEVER guess which popular-but-not-as-popular-as-he-used-to-be star will go bats this year. Hint #1: He’s good looking … almost as good looking as he used to be. Hint #2: His meltdown will involve a boot and something one would hope is chocolate.

Presidential politics!

As many as 12 members of the United States Senate will announce publicly that they are not seeking their party’s presidential nomination. Only half of them will be lying.

Professional baseball!

The Minnesota Twins will make history by employing a one-man starting pitching rotation. Every fifth day Johan Santana will mow down 10-20 men and baseball’s biggest and best bullpen will pitch all other innings. The result will be another division title. October disappointment will return, however, when the team literally forgets to show up for the playoff opener against the expansion Las Vegas Burly Knee-Crackers. Their reason for doing so will be debated for ages.

Medical Breakthroughs!

Doctors will find themselves backpedaling as major drug companies release cholesterol drugs in a new cooking oil format. The new oil somehow enhances both the flavor and health benefits of anything deep fried in its golden goodness. Middle aged people will have to buy large plastic containers that sort Wednesday’s chicken nuggets cooked in clot prevention oil from Thursday’s onion rings fried in insulin oil. At the precise moment this new technology is announced the government’s food pyramid will collapse, killing the less tasty foods near the base. The social implications will be summed up by video footage of a shirtless Dick Cheney guzzling the new oil on the roof of a car outside the Mayo Clinic. “We live forever” he bellows, the medicinal nectar dribbling from his jowls.

Scoff if you will. You may believe my predictions to be folly. Some of them may seem bizarre, perhaps even crafted for comedic effect. It never fails, however, that at least one of my annual prognostications proves correct. Which one is this year’s gem? I don’t know, but 2007 has all the answers. Stay tuned.

Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.

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