Published December 30, 2007 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune

Behold 2008's great bounty

By Aaron J. Brown

I’d like to spend some time talking about the very important issue of property tax reform. You see, our modern system of property taxation first began ages ago in medieval times when …

Stop! What’s that sound? That gentle ringing … or it buzzing? Why, it can only be one thing. The future!

The rest will have to wait; it’s time to answer the call. Behold, my 2008 predictions for the Iron Range and to a lesser extent … THE WORLD!

POLITICS
The political world is shocked to its core when a pig named Hoss wins the Iowa caucuses in both parties. Apparently, the pig appeared in newspapers pictured with more than a dozen different candidates, enough that confused voters thought the swine was running for office. Hoss goes on to take New Hampshire but lacks funding to compete on Super Tuesday. As a third party candidate, the pig plays spoiler by earning 25 percent of the popular vote and sweeping the Plains states.

Here in Minnesota, an unexpected rip in the space-time continuum allows Democrat Norm Coleman from 1995 to be nominated as the DFL opponent to today’s conservative Republican U.S. Sen. Norm Coleman. The race ends in a tie, which causes the Senate seat to be held by a time-altering swirling wormhole that absorbs all visible light. Sen. Swirling Wormhole (?-MN) will enjoy a 53 percent approval rating.

THE REGION
Besieged by more bad news Excelsior Energy changes its plan once again, converting the its Mesaba Energy Project from a proposed coal gas power plant into a proposed 24-hour nightclub. This new low-emission hotspot would use innovative technology to ensure that only attractive people may enter. Unattractive people would be piped to North Dakota to be sequestered deep beneath the earth’s surface. The Department of Energy will issue a $35 million grant which Excelsior officials will spend on gold medallions and brightly colored sport coats. 

Meantime, other proposed projects move forward as planned, including the mining/steelmaking operation near Nashwauk, iron nugget operations and precious mineral mines on the East Range. All the construction brings about an unexpected outcome when Bob the Builder is hired to build a large equipment garage. A labor dispute arises when we learn that none of Bob’s sentient construction equipment belongs to a union, working exclusively for oil, gasoline and environmental knowledge. Also, more controversy erupts when Lofty drops a 10 ton steel truss, killing two people and a talking backhoe.

An exterminator will be hired to thin the herd of strip malls at the edges of Range towns after they begin reproducing at an unsustainable rate. Parents will tell their children that this is better for the strip malls because otherwise those strip malls would starve which is a lot worse.

SOCIETY
A city in Japan will set a trend that soon spans the globe when it adds the Internet to its municipal drinking water. Within months, children everywhere will abandon sugary sodas in favor of water filled with MP3 downloads. The elderly will complain that their coffee makers sound like fax machines.

SPORTS
The Boston Red Sox, with ace pitchers Johan Santana and reanimated Sandy Koufax go 150-12. The Minnesota Twins last season at the Metrodome is marred when their new starting lineup, largely comprised of AAA prospects are sucked out the doors during dome decompression after their eighth straight 1-0 defeat.

Naturally, these predictions may seem a bit glib, dashed with the slightest hints of personal bias, but who am I to argue with premonitions? If I turn out to be wrong, I’ll just go into wacky prophecy rehab and people will forget. That seemed to work for everyone with problems last year.

Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune. Read more or contact him at his blog www.minnesotabrown.blogspot.com. 

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