Published Dec. 28, 2003 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
As Old Man 2003 lurches over, we now look ahead to 2004 and its unbridled potential. This time of year brings my annual New Year’s prediction column.
I reach these predictions the same way psychics perform their feats. I can surmise by our town’s age and history that it’s a working class city facing occasional hardships. I could then say, “I see a major event that just happened a few years ago.” The town would then blurt out “Omigod! We had a big mine close three years ago!” I would then simply say, “Yes. I see your mine. He wants you to know he’s sorry he closed and that he still loves you.” The town will then crumple in a heap, crying out “I knew it! I knew it!”
On with the predictions:
* Area children, outraged over another summer of parades where they are inundated with Tootie Frootie candy thrown from floats, will rebel. Protective screens will surround future parade participants – tragically too late for one brave bagpiper.
* The Leap Year, coupled with deep budget deficits in small cities across the region, will prompt several mayors to proclaim city days of recognition on Feb. 29 to save money on future anniversary proclamations.
* President Bush will use the term “evil-doer” during all three presidential debates. Is he referring to Osama bin Laden or his Democratic opponent? The crystal ball yields no answer.
* With three Hibbing City Council seats up for election, only one of the incumbents will remain in office. I made this same prediction two years ago and it was a lot of fun. The councilors thought I had some monopoly on the future and KNEW which of them would make it and which would not. Truth is, the one I thought would make was always the one I was talking to at the time. This policy will continue in 2004. Good luck, guys! I’m rooting for one of you. (You know who you are … wink, wink).
* I’ll probably catch a moment of Fox News as I flip from the SciFi channel to Animal Planet and get all riled up to write a column about how a single-payer system is the only way to solve this nation’s health care crisis. I’m sorry. I’ll try to include a car chase and maybe even a love interest this time to liven it up for the New Year.
* The first song played at the wedding reception will be “Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison. Whose wedding? EVERYBODY’S WEDDING!
* The Minnesota Vikings will reach the Super Bowl. Chris Hovan will protest, however, as stadium officials give him the peanuts when Randy Moss gets the much more lucrative beer tray.
* Toby Keith’s new song “Lets Round Up the Arabs into Camps” will be a country music sensation.
* The discovery of a real pirate ship at the bottom of a mine pit leads to many thrilling adventures for a group of local kids. Adults who at first did not believe them learn the error of their ways when the magical ship sails over Chisholm and Hibbing, dropping golden booty for all.
* The phrases “Why can’t we keep young people on the Iron Range?” and “Why are all these young people banging around the neighborhood?” will be uttered by the same person in the same two-minute period.
Thanks for reading. As always, these prophecies are for fun, not profit. Happy New Year!
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for The Daily Tribune.