Published December 26, 2004 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
There’s a first time for everything, and for me, today’s new thing is a column published on Boxing Day, a federal holiday throughout the post-revolution British Commonwealth.
Just a few miles north of us, Canadians are engaging in traditional Boxing Day rituals, including providing health coverage for all citizens and pouring rich, hearty gravy over their french fries. Unfortunately, Boxing Day is not a federal holiday in our country. Perhaps, someday, it will be. Mmmmmm, gravy and health care.
Hey, you’ve got wrapping paper stuck to your foot.
OK, I don’t know this for certain, but by playing the odds, I can safely assume that most of our readers have wrapping paper stuck to their feet at this very moment.
You’ll find wrapping paper, chunks of peanut brittle and those little hooks from the Christmas tree for the next eight weeks – beneath your couch, under your rug, or, worst case, inside your dog or toddler.
In a nutshell, that’s what Boxing Day is – a holiday acknowledging the collective letdown after Christmas is done. You “box” up your decorations and bizarre presents you intend to give to other people next year, while masking your post-holiday depression.
America, of course, is an optimistic nation, always looking to the future, provided they’re showing the future on TV. Thus we shun Boxing Day. That’s why I now present my annual Iron Range New Year’s predictions.
Prediction #1: Ironworld Discovery Center continues to sink, but further research indicates that the “underground mine cavities” supposedly causing the problem are really the giant secret hiding place for an ancient Mason treasure. Also, Nicholas Cage will hang out with us for several days.
Prediction #2: Hibbing will get another big box retailer, bringing hopes of economic growth. Unfortunately, resulting “retail war” with Wal-Mart pits brother against brother, creating a cultural and political divide in town that will last centuries. Mournful violin music and live reenactments to follow.
Prediction #3: Another good year at the mines ensures that nothing bad will ever happen to the mining industry in the future …ever. Officials install solid gold doorknobs in all public buildings. Economic development money dedicated entirely to the ponies. (And believe me, our pony is going to WIN!)
Prediction #4: Outrage to ensue when Hibbing Public Access Television starts showing time and temperature, including the controversial “Fahrenheit 26 at 4:54 p.m.”
Sub-prediction #4b: Somebody will notice that HPAT has been showing instructional videos on how to insert catheters during primetime for the past three weeks. Seriously, has anyone else noticed that? Yikes.
Prediction #5: Hibbing public schools successfully keep all pools open by filling one with tasty gelatin treat and charging admission.
Prediction #6: Minnesota Twins will win the Central Division again, only to lose in playoffs to a team composed entirely of former Twins. The real winner: irony.
Prediction #7: All road construction projects in northern Minnesota to be finished by mid-July. Baffled construction workers turn to careers in genetic engineering. Resulting man-monsters destroy roads. Repair work completed as snow flies.
Prediction #8: Colin Powell to lead other former Bush Cabinet members in a TV crime-fighting group called the S.T.W.O.F. (Spending Time With Our Families) Squad. In last scene of first show, “W” lauds their hard work after they catch a jewel thief, half-heartedly offering them their old jobs back. Freeze-frame conclusion includes a few distinct winces.
Prediction #9: Hibbing Public Library to receive much-needed air conditioning. Good feelings wane when June arrives and everyone realizes it was just an open window on the second level.
Prediction #10: This column to conclude with happy tidings for the New Year for you and your family, along with an unexpected reference to Ben Franklin that I saw in a recent History Channel documentary.
Happy tidings for the New Year for you and your family. Party like you were Ben Franklin in an 18th Century French salon, living it up while lobbying for increased funding for the American Revolution.
Darn if I’m not 1 for 1.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.