Published Dec. 24, 2006 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
By Aaron J. Brown
It’s Christmas Eve. My column is due and I am so hosed. I’ll just have to warm over something I’ve written about before. (Rustle, rustle, rustle). Oh, man. I’ve already been doing that for the last month!
Wait, look at this! How did I even get this? It’s a transcript of a radio exchange between the Air Force and the Homeland Security Department from today. I’ve been getting stuff like this since I changed my Yahoo user name to “loves_to_bomb_unstable_nations.” Unbelievable! And to think, I was able to find this and write about it in time to appear in today’s paper. Why, it’s a holiday miracle!
USAF STRIKE FORCE LEADER: Base, we are 10,000 feet
over the
BASE: Roger, Strike Force Leader. We show a faint
signal
from a UFO at your
STRIKE FORCE: I was afraid you’d ask. You know how today is Christmas Eve?
BASE: Sure do. I’ve got a bowl of adults-only eggnog waiting for me after my shift.
<> STRIKE FORCE: Right, well, we have visual on a jolly elf riding a red sleight pulled by eight standard ungulates and one lighted ungulate.STRIKE FORCE: I wish; it’s nothing but kids
singing “Jingle
Bells.” It’s (garbled) really awful. They’ll be bearing down on
BASE: I’m patching you through to Homeland Security. They’ve been listening to your report.
HOMELAND SECURITY AGENT N.E. O’CONNER: Strike Force, does this elf look Arabic in any way.
STRIKE FORCE: Negative. This is Santa Clause. He is from the North Pole.
<>O’CONNER: Their powers of disguise are getting better. Strike Force, I need you to bring down this terrorist.O’CONNER: To the sea. Light him up.
STRIKE FORCE: That doesn’t seem, uh, very Christmas-y.
O’CONNER: Strike Force, engage!
STRIKE FORCE: Roger. Strike Team, lock on. Fire! (pause) Report? Did he just throw candy canes at the missiles to misdirect them? Hey look. He’s waving. He’s got a sign. What’s it say? “Merry Christmas, Strike Team. Please hold fire or Santa will put you on the naughty list.” Base, I am not going on the naughty list. I’ve been helping old folks across the street all year long. I am not giving up my Nintendo Wii that easily.
O’CONNER: That’s a terrorist trick. Fire again!
STRIKE FORCE: (garbled) Fine, but you owe me a Wii. Strike Team, Fire Two! (pause) Report? Candy canes again! Oh, man. Look at Santa. He’s mad. Oh, he’s real mad …
SANTA (jamming signal): Ho Ho Ho! Santa’s not new
to the
skies, boys and girls. He’s got lots of presents for the good boys and
girls of
the world and he’s not going to let a little dogfight like this stop
him. Hey,
Strike Team. You’ll find your Nintendo Wii somewhere below in the
STRIKE FORCE: No! Eject, Eject!
BASE: Flash dispatch cold water rescue team to coordinates (garbled)
O’CONNER: Are you running tape on this? You are, aren’t you? Call Tony Snow. Tell him the War on Christmas has gone from cold to hot.
STRIKE FORCE: (tapping Morse code on an iceberg): C-O-M-E (pause) B-A-C-K (pause) S-A-N-T-A