Published Dec. 17, 2006 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune

Hot new dancing toys want my money

By Aaron J. Brown

If you haven’t bought the hot new holiday toys for your kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews or emotionally immature significant others, your time is running out. The hot new toys left the shelves last month, now only available in exchange for organs or direct access to your bank account. (And I’m talking, “give me your PIN and don’t check your balance until I’m out of the country” kind of access.)

This hasn’t really been a problem in our family. We tend to eschew the popular toys for more classic options. For instance, rocks are just as heavy as iPods. In fact, they’re heavier. Also, they can be used to crush the iPods of petulant braggarts. If it weren’t for that darned risk of being covered by paper, they’d be the best holiday toy ever. (Ha, I kid. Henry isn’t old enough for rocks yet.) But others seem determined to acquire hot new toy technology for their kids, no matter what.

When you look at technological advances over time, it’s easy to be amazed by the capacity of human imagination. Office documents once stored in a 10,000 square foot warehouse can now be stored on a flash drive smaller than an unfiltered cigarette (which, paradoxically, you are no longer allowed to smoke). Cars were once large, prone to explosions, and featured safety features like a “grab bar” that you could hang onto in the event of a crash. Now cars are so sophisticated that mechanics have to call people to work on them. Someday soon, an automobile crash will activate a triage robot that will tie tourniquets and, should your vital signs destabilize, scream, “Not today; not on my watch!” while beating your chest.

One area where new technology has become rather silly, however, is in these hot new toys being rolled out for the holiday season.

According to a variety of lists, compiled by a variety of experts, this year’s hot toys once again favor electronic devices. I took particular note of a story from MSNBC.com. It implied that G.I. Joe and Barbie have sat motionless, with little capacity for knee movement, for years as their seemingly unbreakable grip on the toy market has been pried away by things that beep and whir.

Dancing toys in particular are enjoying a strong year. You’ve got dancing Elmo, of course, but that’s not all. A dancing penguin toy from the movie “Happy Feet” is lighting up registers. Though I’m a big fan of penguins, I have not seen this movie and have been told by reliable sources that its plot line resembles a penguin’s digestive tract. But the kids seem to love dancing Antarctic birds, a fact further evidenced by the popularity of a dancing “Pablo” from the “Backyardigans.” (For those without cable and a small child, the Backyardigans is a kids’ show about singing computer animated animals that live in the suburbs. It’s a fun show, but it also explains why I don’t live in the suburbs.)

Barbie is making a last ditch effort to catch onto the craze with a dancing version of the popular waif-like doll. I don’t know if this year’s trends apply to non-penguins, but Babs will test the theory. Obviously, G.I. Joe is not going to come out with a dancing soldier toy. Indeed, G.I. Joe is poised for a disastrous year after the release of last summer’s “Greeted as Liberators Armorless Strike Force.”

But the MSNBC article, along with just about every expert opinion on Christmas shopping, says the balance of American kids want electronics, especially phones, MP3 players, and other beeping toys. In other words, the days of buying a $10 toy at the store a week before Christmas are long over, Grandpa. Head over to the electronics aisle and begin warming the MasterCard.

At least, that’s what the experts would have us believe. I still believe in a holiday season focused on family and hope. You don’t need a dancing penguin to make that happen. Though, I suppose a dancing penguin doesn’t hurt.

Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.

More columns

Home