Published December 16, 2007 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune

Trade talk could be applied elsewhere

By Aaron J. Brown

Recently, Minnesota Twins fans have been glued to the ticker on ESPN News to see if our team traded ace Johan Santana for prospects. We are told that Santana – who has a year left on his contact – will probably cost too much for the Twins to sign next year so the team could benefit more by trading him for several young up-and-coming players. After all, our center fielder Torii Hunter signed an enormous, unmatchable contract with the Angels this winter. If the Twins had traded Hunter last year we might have had a better team this upcoming spring.

The whole debate got me thinking: What if we could trade away people in politics or the media for prospects? It could solve some problems. Therefore I have decided to propose several non-sports trades for our state and region.

The first big trade I suggest is to send Minnesota’s Republican Gov. Tim Pawlenty to North Dakota for their Republican Gov. John Hoeven, two of his state’s many nuclear weapons and one 16-ounce steak for every Minnesotan. Hoeven doesn’t have the national profile of Pawlenty, so he’s got to be cheaper (and his name could be pronounced “Ho-Even” to make him mad). I figure if our state is going to subtly shift the cost of government services from a fair statewide income tax system to regressive property taxation that punishes the working class and retirees, you might as well get some cool nukes out of the deal. North Dakota is one of the largest depositories of America’s nuclear weapons, so just two little ICBM’s won’t set them back too much. Maybe we can point the missiles at Wisconsin to make the cheese heads plow our roads for free. Efficiency! As an added bonus, Hoeven has a moustache. Minnesota hasn’t had a mustachioed governor in a long time and we’re due. 

A trade like that might set off a domino effect. For instance, could northern Minnesotans handle having both a governor AND news anchor with moustaches? Close call, so we might need to explore trading longtime beloved newscaster Dennis Anderson from WDIO/WIRT Channels 10 and 13 for some young talent. Starting TV news salaries cost little, so a stable screen presence like Anderson could fetch 20 or 25 hungry rookie reporters, maybe fewer if we insist they wear name brand clothing.

Now we’re in full rebuilding mode so we can get really creative. In sports trades you need to fill holes in the lineup, so what do we need around here? Well, it would seem we have something of an economic boom on the way here in northern Minnesota. Several big projects are close to beginning construction, and the workers will need housing. So I propose we trade the flooding Canisteo Mine Pit near Bovey to the drought-ravaged Southeast for 500 double wide trailers. Don’t hold back, Georgia and Florida panhandle. We want the ones with the hot tub upgrades.

Hey, have you noticed all the stories about wild monkeys terrorizing fast growing rural cities in India? (If you don’t, you obviously don’t go to the same web sites I do). Well, our population density in northern Minnesota is much less than India’s. Maybe we could take a few hundred of these monkeys off their hands in exchange for school funding? Think about it. Every kid on the Iron Range would be guaranteed access to advanced placement courses, technical career preparation and the arts. All we have to do is put up with some angry, food-stealing monkeys. (Here’s the best part: I don’t think those monkeys will last the winter).

I know we aren’t “allowed” to trade away our governor, news anchor or random bodies of water. But just like sports trade speculation, I won’t let reality stop me from talking about it. 

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