Published Dec. 10, 2006 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune

The holiday spin begins

By Aaron J. Brown

They arrive in the mail this month: first as a trickle, then as a wave, then finally in desperate lurches bursting from your mailbox on Dec. 26 as if to say, “I was so close.”

I’m talking about Christmas cards, and somehow I find it easier to write about them to address envelopes and actually send my own.

Of course, when you bring up Christmas cards you’re really talking about the “holiday letter,” which has largely replaced the traditional heavy stock card festooned with snowmen or wise men. The holiday letter was once handwritten and tucked inside the card, but sometime shortly after the home computer became widespread people began mass producing the letters on fancy colored papers and shipping them out without the cards. In theory this should make the process easier. There’s almost no handwriting involved and you can even use a mail merge to print envelopes. Nevertheless, we still find ourselves rushing to beat the looming holiday mail deadline every December.

Holiday letters are designed to help friends and relatives catch up on what we’ve been doing all year. But just as our nation’s politics have gravitated toward spin and misleading arguments, our holiday letters are becoming more like the political ads of a desperate candidate down by 20 points. Everyone wants to make their year sound impressive and nobody wants to bring up the family’s dirty laundry.

Most of the “experts” will tell you to keep it real in your holiday letter. Most people do, but that doesn’t mean you can’t dress up the truth a little. So for those of you who, like me, face the task of cranking out a letter in time for Christmas here are a few suggestions to deal with difficult phrasing.

Stuck in a rut? Sometimes December rolls around and you realize that not much has changed in your life since last December. This leads to lines like:

“I’ve been at Computrex for 15 years now, but I swear some days it only feels like 11, or maybe 12. I could cut down the plant in my cubicle and count the rings to find out, but it died five years ago. Or maybe six.”

Try this: “My resume has changed little since I rose from the low rank of processor plebe to the heights of assistant project manager at the Midwest’s 22^nd largest software distributor. However, my inner strength has allowed me to appreciate life’s detail, such as the harmony produced by the hot water pipes behind my desk and the florescent light above. Together, they sound like an angel washing her dishes in heaven.”

Offspring broke the law? This happens. They don’t build jails for show. I always like the failed efforts to mask these kinds of facts with religious references. “Donny is in a special place waiting for a sign from God to stop setting fires.” Try this instead:

“They say some of Dr. Martin Luther King’s best work came from his letters written in a Birmingham jail cell. Most of Donny’s letters from the NERC are threats to his brother not to mess with his Playstation, but each tome becomes more inspirational and somewhat less profane.”

Perhaps your picture didn’t turn out well. Your new hairstyle makes you look like your great aunt, circa 1948. A good year might have expanded your waistline. What a perfect opportunity to have one of those “old timey” pictures taken where it looks like a pioneer portrait. If you’re in costume, people might infer that you are also wearing a wig and padding for effect. This will buy you a few months to lose weight and grow the hair back before parka season is over.

Naturally, the real reason to send these letters is to keep in contact with loved ones during the holidays. It’s not a contest. But if it were a contest, it sure would be fun to win, wouldn’t it.

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