Published November 27, 2005 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
By Aaron J. Brown
The holidays are here!
This comes as a bit of a shock. Since Henry was born last May, time has progressed so quickly that I have no conscious memories of several large, well-known months. Did we even have an August? If I talked to you in August, I’m sorry. I’ve forgotten you and everything you told me.
I went back to my fancy planner and confirmed that I did, in fact, experience August. Most of the pages simply featured the phrase “Buy diapers, do laundry” scrawled over and over, kind of like in “The Shining.”
It’s almost December now. Thanksgiving is behind us, which means we are in the midst of the “holiday shopping season.” For fat guys with white beards, this means steady work and unsolicited respect. For reindeer, this means a one time opportunity to pull a funny looking sled instead of becoming meat. (“Oh, I’ll pull the sled, Chester. I’ll pull it all day long.”) For many Americans, this time of year means shopping, shopping, shopping.
Maybe you hit the big sales this past Friday. The traditional opening day of the holiday shopping season is hard to pinpoint now. We’ve been looking at Christmas decorations in the big box stores since mid-October. Still, the news the day after Thanksgiving focused on Black Friday and the estimated sales figures, as though those numbers will indicate whether Tiny Tim lives or dies.
Watching the CEOs of major retail stores predict the outcome of the holiday shopping season is a little like watching heavyweight boxers predict the outcome of their own fight.
“Listen, punk. I’ll kill you dead and watch you bleed. Yeah! Market indicators show that 2005 retail sales will exceed expectations by as much as 18 percent. Yeah! Stockholders, I gots your back.”
The season just gets out of control. That revelation is nothing new. I’ve already written about giant inflatable yard decorations (they’re dumb, and you need to know that). Another column decried useless gifts bought for people we don’t like. Writers at www.newdream.org, an anti-commercialism web site, published a whole section on holiday excess.
We keep Christmas pretty modest in our house. We give a few small gifts to each other and, new this year, a handful of toys and books for the baby. The problem comes when you consider the extended family – siblings, parents, and all the rest. That’s where things can get out of hand.
I’ve never said quit cold turkey. “Christmas without gifts” is still a line most aren’t willing to cross. But every year, Christmas seems to get a little less Charlie Brown and a little more like a diamond commercial.
So don’t listen to me. Gorge yourself on commerce. Empty your bank account and pour the cash into things that beep and glisten. Rent a dump truck and fill it with reconstituted plastic goods, all half priced and half useful. Sprawl out in the pile of electronics, gadgets and toys in your yard and randomly fire that pistol you bought for Grandpa, the one with the custom engraving on the handle that reads “Git ‘R Done.” I don’t care.
According to the National Retail Foundation, the average American family spends more than $1,400 on gifts during the holidays. I’m not sure if this includes the people who give away new cars wrapped in shiny red bows. Even so, if you factor in other expenses the amount of debt many of us will face come January could be unbelievable. If the season is really about family and generosity, what else could that money buy?
Here’s a hint – it’s not inflatable.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.