Published November 14, 2004 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
Unity, unity, unity. I’m trying. The contentious election may be over, but I’ve got to admit that I’m having trouble moving on. It’s hard when one side controls all branches of federal government while owning most media outlets, and your side only controls Ashton Kutcher’s hair – sort of. I’m sticking to my pledge to give President Bush a chance, but it’s really hard.
For the past year, I’ve followed a 25-minute morning Internet routine. Some people have an exercise routine, and someday I’ll try to get one of those, too. Me, I carved out a nice little path from Web site to Web site, mostly news-related, where I pick up the day’s headlines and analysis before starting my workday.
A few weeks ago, my routine might have gone like this: 1) Headline: “Kerry, Bush debate war in Iraq” (Me: “Hmm, interesting. I wonder which position will work better for America?”); 2) Headline: “Voter turnout could be factor in election” (Me: “Oh boy. I hope everyone gets out to vote this year.”)
Now, the routine is getting a little harder. Actual headline: “2/3 of Bush voters still believe Iraq was directly involved with 9/11 attacks” (Me: “D’oh!”); Actual headline: “Clarence Thomas on short list for chief justice” (Me: “D’oh!”); Actual headline: “Powerful Christian lobby wants moderate GOP Senate judiciary chair removed” (Me: “D’oh! D’oh! D’oh!”)
In order to cope, I’ve collected a roundup of interesting non-political items from the Internet that I hope will change the subject around the water coolers of our town. To keep myself from getting too political I’ve put on a collar programmed to shock me each time I say something non-unified.
‘Bunny Huns’ sack Roman fort
We’ll all heard the expression, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” Well, it didn’t fall in a day either; in fact, it just keeps on falling according to a report from England last week.
A businessman in Great Britain recently spearheaded an effort to rescue a 2000-year old Roman fort from an onslaught of Scottish rabbits, or so reads a report by Libby Bruce from www.icperthshire.co.uk. The fort repelled several centuries worth of barbarians, and now crumbles from within thanks to an infestation of bunnies.
Funny. Those Romans thought they could eliminate global threats by occupying foreign lands for indefinite time periods. Now the ruins of their forts are overrun by rabbits. Makes you wonder … (ZZZZZZZAAAPP! YOW!)
Doggie eyeglasses growing in popularity
Another British news source, the Hindu News, reports that a company has developed eyeglasses for older dogs. The product name: “Doggles.” According to the story, these items are flying off the shelves even though some animal advocates believe the items are more to amuse the owners than to help the dogs.
Meantime, millions of Americans have cannot afford regular visits to the eye doctor. (ZZZZZZZAAAAPPP! YOW!)
OK, how about this. We’ll try something from Texas. That’ll promote some unity, by golly.
‘Dallas’ star asks to be ground up in wood chipper
According to an online report from USA Today, TV’s Larry Hagman of “Dallas” fame has asked that, upon his death, his body by fed through a wood chipper in a wheat field. He further asks that a year later, the wheat harvested there be turned into flour to bake a cake for his friends and family. I’m not kidding.
I believe this item accomplishes what I’ve been striving for – something so utterly bizarre that I can’t possibly find a political position to argue about. In fact, I’ll go a step further. Thank you, Larry (“J.R.”) Hagman, for bringing this nation together.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.