Published November 13, 2005 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
By Aaron J. Brown
For most people, the best part about baking brownies is scraping the extra batter off the sides of the bowl into your mouth. Sure, some high class types say you shouldn’t do that, but it sure puts the “mmm” in “salmmmonella.”
Thus I present my semi-occasional “Salute to Bowl Scrapings” column. Let your eyes dance through today’s offering on the wings of my catchy subheads, and I promise you’ll find 30 percent less intellectual depth to slow your journey to the funny pages and TV Guide. Snobs can go read George Will to lament the impurity of the conservative movement. Bowl scrapers, come with me!
Don’t call me; I’ll call you
We’re all used to those automated operators when we’re on hold. You can count on certain statements:
“This call may be monitored.”
“Thank you for holding, your business is important to us.”
“Food Corp knows you’re calling about the mouse tails, and apologizes in advance.”
The other day, I got a call from a telemarketer. I heard the tell-tale click, pause and prerecorded voice. “Hello, I am calling from (vague name of vague company). We are experiencing a large volume of calls in our call center. Please hold and your call will be answered in the order dialed.”
Say what? A robot calls me to tell me he’s busy so I should hold for a few minutes until someone comes on the line to sell me something I don’t need.
That was a first for me. Believe it or not, I didn’t stay on the line.
Apocalypse?
In case you’ve missed it, natural disasters seem to dominate headlines lately. Some argue that hurricanes Katrina and Wilma and the earthquake in central Asia signal the end times.
I am no religious expert, but my personal approach to this is that as terrible as these disasters were, they can be understood in historical context. Hurricanes hit coastlines and earthquakes occur along fault lines. When a deep sea earthquake launches an oil tanker 5,000 miles into the Irongate Mall, I’ll entertain the apocalypse theory. Either that or I’ll get me a bucket for all the free oil.
As was the case in the year 2000, (and 1000, for that matter), certain groups stand to benefit when the general population fears instant extermination. Keep your mental guard up when you hear this talk. As long as your basement emergency kit and spiritual affairs are in order, you don’t need to panic or send money to anyone you see in the media. For more information, send me $5.
Fake presidents
Sure, we had a “real” election last year, but frankly, it stunk. Nothing but attack ads and repeated phone calls (see above). Then the guy who won went now has an approval rating in the vicinity of Lake Superior’s November water temperature.
So, war and poverty aside, I find it comforting that television viewers get something of a do-over on NBC’s “The West Wing.” Next year, the show will feature a new fake president – either the guy from “M.A.S.H.” or the guy from “NYPD Blue.” Last week, the show featured a live fictional debate between Republican Arnold Vinick (Alan Alda) and Democrat Matthew Santos (Jimmy Smits).
I’ve been a West Wing fan for some time, so I was excited this year that ABC added “Commander in Chief” starring Geena Davis as the first female fake president. This show gets monster ratings, twice those of “West Wing, but I stopped watching it. The first thing Davis did as fake president was call up a map of the world on a screen and move aircraft carriers around on it like it was a game of Battleship.
“A-7.”
“Dude, you sunk my credibility!”
Plus the show features non stop obsession over the fake president’s gender. The media seem to think the show defeats stereotypes about women and opens the door for female candidates like Hillary Clinton or Condoleezza Rice, but I disagree. This show sets women back. Davis’ character is constantly whining about not knowing what to do until her husband props her up with a stilted speech about how “she is America.” And worse yet, the show managed to recycle almost every plot line of “The West Wing” in the first six shows.
Indeed, the first female president (for that matter, the first non white male president) will face challenges unknown to Rutherford B. Hayes, but my view is that the country will be mostly supportive of that person, and she’ll get that office the same way men do, by being tough and competent (or having good connections in swing state election offices).
There you go, bowl scrapings for the week of Nov. 13, 2005.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.