Published November 7, 2004 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
It’s been a long election season. We’ve been hashing over politics for more than a year and now it’s time to move on. With the election over, and President Bush headed back for another term, here now is a look at the things we can all celebrate together, regardless of who we voted for.
* First off, we’re all Americans. Thankfully, both Bush and John Kerry reminded us of that in their speeches this week. I had almost forgotten.
* Second, we’re Iron Rangers. This means that our voter turnout again topped expectations and a lot of people in the suburbs are cursing us. (Again, I revert to my earlier-espoused theory that suburbanites are funniest when mad).
* Teeming masses of lawyers purported to be at the beck and call of both political parties return to mountain lairs without being unleashed upon humanity like a cologne-drenched cloud of locusts.
* Shadowy local political conspirators now turn their attention from candidate lawn sign theft to their previous agenda, lighting fire to bags of poop while sporadically attending junior high school.
* Backlog of nonpartisan shark attack stories will light up cable news channels like a beacon of unity.
* Dysfunctional family divides once again marked by silent resentment rather than open hostility.
* Red states and blue states revert to natural earth tones. Residents pack away cowboy hats/war protestor t-shirts for next time.
* Pollsters crawl back into opium flophouse; Americans consume dinner in peace.
* Those making over $200,000 a year can cancel that appointment to give blood in order to keep the summer cottage.
* Next time BOTH parties will have contested primaries, so twice as many candidates will be running in 2008 and everyone will be getting calls. Yay!
* The era of explaining political initiatives with anything more than short, monosyllabic phrases is over. Use the free space in your brain to store Jeopardy facts. Meantime, let’s all get behind the “U-S-A Rules!” Act! (The “USA Rules!” Act would increase the retirement age for Social Security benefits to 78 while ending the longstanding ban on deep ocean whaling).
* Empty holes in TV advertising schedule will be filled by old public service announcements. Kids will be 24 percent less likely to die tangled in high-tension power lines.
* Facts, such as research related to youth power line accidents, will no longer be checked by national media, allowing local newspaper columnists unfettered ability to make things up.
* With election over, people will agree on everything. No arguments will ever again take place. Bombs in U.S. military will be replaced by large marshmallows. Crime will plummet with appointment of Batman as Attorney General.
* Judge Judy’s hopes of Supreme Court nod bolstered, opening afternoon time slot for “WKRP” reruns and providing hope that wealthy lawyers will be told to “Shut up or I’ll slap you” before the high court. New term to be coined: “Supreme Cour-tainment.” Fun for all to ensue.
* Social obsession with crass elements of politics now gradually shifts to social obsession with crass elements of commercialized holy days. What’s the difference? The latter has much better food.
If you’re like me, and I know I am, you’ve spent most of the past year arguing about politics. Take some time today to read the paper and argue about something else.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.