Published October 28, 2007 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
This week brings Halloween; a festive day of autumn celebration with origins rooted in sin, paganism and, more recently, the marketing department of large candy companies. (It’s not the first time those three have hooked up, and it won’t be the last).
Don’t worry. I’m not going to protest Halloween for its casual references to witchcraft, the undead and/or evil. That’s just not my fight. To be fair, most holidays were adjusted on the ancient calendar to correlate with pagan holidays so that early Christian leaders could convert the masses. Halloween’s origins come from being the last night BEFORE a holy day. So the only reason Halloween takes all the media heat from conservatives is because it doesn’t feign to have a high minded purpose beyond its fun-filled traditions. (Except maybe “Trick or Treat for UNICEF,” which is noble but not quite the transcendental altruism you see from the big boys of Christmas and Easter.)
Moral outrage aside, Halloween people are getting ready. With three boys at home, none quite yet old enough to select his own costume, we’re enjoying our last year of dressing up a toddler and two babies for our own amusement. Henry, the two-year-old, will be a monkey. George and Doug, the babies, will be a bear and lion, respectively. It’s a zoo, get it! The humor comes from the symbolic truth of the image. Ha-ha! Also, these kids are freaking cute. I’m not trying to overstate the attractiveness of my children. Even funny-looking kids are freaking cute in Halloween costumes. Hence the excitement.
But Halloween also exposes over-used trends in the media. For instance, I could have started the column like this:
“Now that I’m a parent, I’m more concerned than ever about safety (cliché). Whether it’s razor blades in candy (overblown fear) or the dangers of suffocation (same as any other day), I want to be sure my kids stay safe and comforta-boo. (Unnecessary use of ‘boo’).”
Naturally, I’m not arguing that parents should be complacent on Halloween, just that they use the same basic sense of protectiveness they would use any other time they send their kids door to door foraging for food from the homes of strangers. So in that spirit I offer these safety tips:
1) Before you send your kids out to Trick or Treat, check the air. Is it a combination of oxygen, carbon dioxide and nitrogen? Hope so!
2) If you see more than one child dressed as a soldier, confirm that they are in fact celebrating Halloween and not staging a military coup. If it is a coup, assess their strength and determine whether you should alert authorities or aid the rebels in order to protect your family under the new regime.
3) Tell your kids that on Halloween all the cars on the streets TRY to run over small children. That way you won’t have to remind them about crosswalk safety.
4) Be sure to randomly check the safety and flavor of your child’s Halloween candy. You can never be too safe.
5) Remind your teenager that if he or she must smash pumpkins in the night to select pumpkins that have lived long, full lives and now simply seek to end the pain. These are the ones that cry and repeat, “They took my insides! They took my insides!”
6) Tell your kids to reduce their carbon footprint by avoiding two-ply T.P.
7) If your child’s costume has a cumbersome head with insufficient openings for vision, be sure they know to run as fast as they can from house to house. The less time they spend on sidewalks and streets, the better.
With these tips you should have all the misinformation you need to have a safe and fun Halloween. Boo careful out there, everyone! Boo very careful.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.