Published Oct. 19, 2003 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
In our home you will find many things left undone.
In the basement, you will see a toilet surrounded by a curtain. Oh wait, that’s not a curtain. That’s a bed sheet. Also in the basement, you will see painted handprints on the walls made by a youth who once lived here. In our living room, an astute observer will see shoe molding that has been missing since we moved in.
I could continue to list the small things that prevent our home from being perfect, but that’s not necessary. They’re not really that bad at all – certainly nowhere in the league of orange shag carpet or a discoloration on the ceiling that grows a little each day. But they do nag at us.
All this said, as the FBI agents that may or may not be tailing me could tell you, we spend far more time watching home improvement programs on our television than we spend improving our home. It’s not that we don’t like home improvement. Obviously, we watch the TV shows. It’s that we hate actually doing the projects.
But wait, you might say. If you like watching all the neat things they do on shows like “Trading Spaces” or “While You Were Out,” why wouldn’t you want to do something like that it your house?
Well, first off, while we may enjoy the misery imposed on others when a highly paid decorator glues straw to a kitchen wall, we don’t seek to duplicate that horror in our own home. Secondly, as any TV sports fan can tell you, watching is a lot different and almost always a lot easier than doing.
The root of the problem is this: while my wife and I are extraordinarily happy with one another as life partners, the act of working together on home improvement projects turns us into vicious ogres competing for a choice spot under the bridge.
One of the most escalated arguments between Christina and I was not about money, time spent with each other or family – it was about the construction of a metal roof rake.
Our goal was simple. We had a couple spots on our roof where, if you let the snow build up, an ice dam would form. A roof rake runs about $20 or $30 so we figured that little purchase would clear up the problem.
This 20-foot roof rake came in a box that was about three feet long and eight inches across each side. When we cracked it open, a million clinking, clanging tubes tumbled out along with a shower of nuts and bolts. Fluttering out last was a single sheet of instructions written in eight languages, and not especially well in any of them. At the end of the day it was a small comfort to know that at that same time some Korean couple might be having the same exact problem with their roof rake.
We spent hours fighting and bickering about which nuts and bolts went where and what direction the “rake” component was supposed to face. After more than an hour of shenanigans, one of us, and I won’t say who, realized that the rake component – a key element in the roof rake – was facing the wrong way.
I’ll spare you the details, but both of us later regretted what was said to one another and the volume at which it was stated.
Other projects, such as painting or constructing other various furniture-like units, yielded similar woes. All married couples have to recognize their weaknesses, and we learned early on that home improvement projects represent our Waterloo.
But we watch the shows, and apparently we aren’t alone. An article posted on CNN.com last week showed that the number of home improvement shows was rising at an exponential rate as ratings continue to soar for that kind of programming.
So why then do economic reports show that home construction and home improvement loans are rather stagnant? Why is Home Depot stock sluggish?
I’ll tell you why. If you can live out the home improvement experience vicariously through the TV and not need the services of a marriage counselor, all the better. It’s cheaper and statistically one of these TV decorating programs is eventually bound to come to our house and fix it for us.
Come on, Home and Garden Television. We’re waiting.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for The Daily Tribune.