Published September 25, 2005 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
By Aaron J. Brown
As I write this I am surrounded by bears. Not mean, wild bears, but cute, stuffed bears. The kind you send to a girl when you’re sorry about what happened in the hot air balloon. (And I really, really am).
The notion that bears are friendly comes from the popularity of the teddy bear. Former President “Teddy” Roosevelt allegedly spared a young bear during a hunting trip, inspiring production of the first “teddy” bears in the early 1900s. Whether Roosevelt is linked to the lingerie “teddies” worn during intimate moments remains a point of historical dispute. Nevertheless, these words ring hollow since bears, as a species, are a private lot who don’t enjoy hugs, plutonic or otherwise.
But cute, cuddly bears appear everywhere from my baby son’s clothing to TV ads for fabric softener. Bears? Fabric softener? Have you ever touched bear fur? You don’t need fabric softener to replicate that sensation; you need a jar of honey and sawdust.
I digress. Like I said, I’m surrounded by teddy bears. For the past several weeks, Christina, Henry and I have been staying with my wife’s parents while our new house was being constructed. My mother-in-law Jan collects teddy bears.
“Oh, yes,” you might say. “I have teddy bears, too.”
You don’t understand. She COLLECTS teddy bears. She has bears everywhere. Bears on the shelves. Bears in the bathrooms. Bears on the end tables. She has one whole room almost entirely devoted to bears. In the time I’ve stayed there, I’ve been under the steady gaze of at least one bear at every moment. If these bears had weapons, they could capture half the state and sustain a military occupation. That’s why I strongly oppose the right to arm bears.
(Rim-shot). Seriously, try the veal. I’ll be here all week. And so will the bears.
I bring this all up for a reason. I recently saw a TV “news” story about a service that will send your teddy bear around the world and return it to you with pictures of your bear at famous sites. Fluffy or Bubbles could be photographed near the Roman Coliseum or the Egyptian pyramids. We joked that maybe we could get a gift certificate from this outfit for my mother-in-law, but then realized: how could she possible select just one bear from a sea of bears to hold such high honor? Wouldn’t the other bears become jealous? Isn’t that how they break POWs, by extending special privileges to some, but not all? Let me tell you, it’s no teddy bear picnic.
Besides, we don’t have the resources to send all these bears across the planet. If you ask me, the money might be better spent on psychological help. (For the bears, that is). Some of these stuffed critters have real identity problems. One bear is dressed as a bee. Another bear is dressed as an egg. Still another bear is dressed as a rooster. Wait a minute? Don’t bears eat all these things? These bears have issues. A fun-filled European vacation would only mask the underlying personality crisis threatening these troubled omnivores. Who are these bears kidding?
I suppose I might bear some responsibility here. Bear, get it. (Send help). Perhaps once I can conduct the business of being me in my own home I won’t be as bothered when we come to visit the vast legion of bears at my in-laws’ house.
As the old saying goes: sometimes you get the bear, sometimes the bear gets you. Whoever said that probably wasn’t dealing with quite so many bears.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.