Published Sept. 17, 2006 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
By Aaron J. Brown
Today I’m going to write a nostalgic column about Saturday morning cartoons. I warn you because whenever I write about nostalgia certain readers look at my picture and say, “Hey, punk, I’ve got underwear older than you …. And I bought it used!” I also know that “kids today,” of whom I speak, don’t read much that isn’t flashing or tattooed on the lower back of a scantly clad store clerk.
Have you ever tried tattooing a 600-word column on your lower back? It burns. It burns real bad.
It’s fall, and while some choose to observe the changing of the leaves and the “sluff-sluff” of teenagers trudging back to school, I observe the new fall TV lineup. I’m not exactly proud of this fact, but I’m at peace with myself.
Most of the media attention is focused on the primetime shows, including an exciting new drama involving lawyers, medical examiners and doctors! Another potential hit is a new sitcom involving a fat, obnoxious blue collar worker and his inexplicably attractive wife (Editor’s note: This paragraph was written three years ago and has appeared every year since.)
But amid all the promotional ads for primetime shows, I had a flashback. Does anyone else remember how exciting it was when the networks announced their new lineup of Saturday morning cartoons?
My sisters and I would gather around the television one evening, usually a Friday, and a kid-friendly host (I hold a dim recollection of Ahmad Rashad, but that might be brain fuzz) would detail the many thrilling cartoon programs that would debut the next morning at dawn. Oh the joy of a new season of cartoons! Tired old cartoons that shamelessly promoted last year’s toys would be replaced by vivid new cartoons shamelessly promoting THIS year’s toys … which were much better.
Every network would run these Saturday Morning Preview shows and we kids would lap it up. Why? Because Saturday morning was our only real source of cartoons, unless someone could cough up a BETA tape of “Mr. Magoo.” Kids these days (here we go) get cartoons nonstop. A child could, theoretically, watch cartoons every moment of his or her life with an affordable cable or satellite TV package. Heck, I doubt that’s a theory. There’s probably a few hundred such kids in your town.
This shift was subtle. It wasn’t until I had a kid of my own that I realized the networks had gently eased their sugary morning “news” shows into the place once held by amphibious ninjas and talking meese, er, mooses … you know, Bullwinkle.
If you want real irony, note that the Saturday “news” shows like “Today” and “Good Morning America” contain just as much substance as an old episode of “He-Man.”
WEATHER PERSON: “I have the POWER … to produce inane banter concealing my disdain in being the network’s #2 choice for the weekday slot … and now a performance by a middle aged musician choking to death on his or her past glory! Coming up: Skelator presents makeup tips for the undead!”
So I guess Saturday morning is for sleeping now. Kids don’t need to wake up at 5 to watch Rainbow Bright. As consumers, they’ve become too picky and sophisticated. Cartoons must be available any time, like water from a spigot. Kids know when people are trying to sell them toys; they now prefer the dichotomy of a lifestyle that simultaneously embraces a high fat diet and ultra thin body shapes. Now even the rich kids who could collect all the Battle Beasts can feel bad and turn to the soothing flicker of television at all hours.
Oh man. I just totally went “downer” at the end here. Don’t worry folks, kids probably shouldn’t spend their weekends in front of the TV anyway. I just know that there’s no more stirring rendition of the national anthem than the one the TV played Saturday morning before “Underdog.”
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.