Published September 12, 2004 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
It’s official. The home improvement store Lowe’s is coming to Hibbing. It’s been a secret so long that it feels naughty to type.
Everyone has been talking about the Lowe’s potential for close to six months, but no one official would comment. Now we’re all supposed to drop our jaws and feign surprise. “Say what? A Lowe’s? Over by the mall? Golly, gee!”
It’s not all good, though. While our community gains a home improvement store, we lose something over which to banter wild, misinformed hearsay.
Nothing spreads quite like rumors surrounding the opening of businesses in a small town. My favorite is how people project their inner most economic development desires onto a bizarre scenario, thus making any tall tale an official rumor.
For instance, I enjoy shopping at Target. I would be glad to hear that Target was building a store in Hibbing. Therefore, I am just one short step – a step I’ve seen many people take – from blurting out, “I heard they’re going to dig up the graveyard to build a Target!” Sounds crazy? Go eavesdropping at any public place in Hibbing and you’ll hear something just as whacked-out, probably within the first 15 minutes.
Of course, those of us “in the know” already know they’re going to dig up the graveyard to build a roller derby arena. We’ll be joining a new roller derby league with our team, the Hibbing Ore Runners. Rumor has it; we’re very close to signing roller derby legend Thad Steele.
That’s right. It’s true. I heard someone talking about it at CITY HALL. They would know.
OK. I lied. That’s all total garbage. But it was fun, wasn’t it? It’s so much better talking about things in the abstract because everyone’s an expert. Nuisances, such as facts, stop no one from having an opinion.
For those playing along at home, here are some more rumors to bandy about. I guarantee you – many of them are plausible and at least one is true.
* A major manufacturer is in negotiations to build a missile factory by the airport.
* The Irongate Mall will become the world’s largest indoor laser tag fun center: “Lazer 2 D Exxxtreme.”
* An eccentric billionaire is close to buying the Ace Hardware building just so he can fill it with Jell-O.
* Canadian business interests will purchase northern Minnesota for $1 billion; those unwilling to accept universal health care and gravy-covered food will be marched to the new border crossing in Kettle River.
* Investors are closing in on an election year deal to build an energy plant in Chisholm powered solely by the shining potential of American children. It will be backed up by a supplemental system run on freedom and liberty.
* One of our city council candidates killed a man while working for the circus as a youngster.
* The savior of the Iron Range economy will be whiskey stills – legal ones, owned by real companies.
* A cloud of bizarre rumors just plausible enough to be passed along will surround any future economic development in our region.
I know it’s getting hard to separate fact from attempted joke, so I’ll diagram a couple for you.
* They found a huge supply of rare minerals outside of town. Mining operations at the site will employ thousands for the next 10-20 years. (Fake, sounds real).
* They’re going to print newspapers in the chopsticks factory. (Real, sounds fake).
Discuss. And please, send along the next bizarre rumor you hear. It just might be true.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.