Published August 29, 2004 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
WANTED: Qualified mysterious creature and/or legend to improve tourism trade for beleaguered blue-collar region. Originality required. Compelling backstory with roots in ancient mysticism a plus. Must appear briefly and infrequently in the peripheral sight of visiting suburbanites. We’ll handle publicity. Plausible hoaxes only.
Sorry for posting such a blatant advertisement at the beginning of this week’s column. I wouldn’t subject you to this unless it was really important. I’ve made it my new quest to propagate a mysterious local legend to drum up economic development for the region.
Hey, don’t laugh – at least I’m not asking for money. Not yet, anyway.
It’s been a rough year for the unknown. We could once shirk questions of life in space, Sasquatch, the fate of the lost City of Atlantis and the Loch Ness monster with a definitive “maybe.” Thanks to a series of news reports in 2004, that’s not true anymore.
Life in Space: YES! Mars microbes, baby.
Sasquatch: Two Yukon men saw one this summer (AP, June 10). I saw one wandering through the commercial exhibits at the fair a couple weeks ago.
Lost City of Atlantis: One scientist believes the technologically advanced ancient city described by Plato was actually Ireland. Part of Ireland sank years before the time of Plato and the Greek philosophers, so the legend was that the whole thing sank (AP, Aug. 5). All that fuss, and it’s just good ol’ Ireland. When I read that, I felt like I was listening to the end of “The Pina Colada Song” where the singer realizes that the dream girl is really just his “old lady.”
Loch Ness monster: Fake – according to the deathbed confession of the photographer who took the famous picture. This one wasn’t a surprise; tales of a giant monster in a small Scottish lake are no different than scattered reports of a Chinese submarine in Carey Lake – spectacular, but most assuredly false. (Personal to Comrade Wu: send the check to my alternate address).
On top of all this, they finally figured out what happened to Jimmy Hoffa – and he’s not at the bottom of an Iron Range mine pit. Shot and incinerated, according to another deathbed confession. What are we supposed to discuss at the bars now? Our lives? Personal growth? Hope? Noooooo, thank you, Chester.
People need something mysterious … compelling, but fearful of cameras. And as long as people need a new mysterious creature or legend, I figured we ought to locate it here on the Range. Keep it local, that’s my motto.
How about this – “Ore-belly.” Ore-belly is a giant creature that lives in the ground. For the past 100 years, we’ve been mining the ore out his belly. When he wakes up – he’s going to be hungry. Hungry for steel and steel byproducts. His only weakness: steel made from imported South American ore gives him crippling digestive problems.
OK, try this – “Eightybugs.” At night, the Eightybugs crawl into the brains of Iron Range residents and lay eggs that create a strange biochemical reaction. When they wake up, the people will desperately want to hear music from the 1980s. They will call their local radio station and demand to hear such music. Only it’s not the good music from the ‘80s – it’s the BAD music. They will turn up their radios, which help the baby Eightybugs hatch and escape riding the smoke of the person’s Marlboro Lights.
Well, these are just options. If you’ve got a better idea, let me know. Meantime … must listen to Styx! Styx good! Rock ballad soothing yet energetic. Louder Styx, louder!
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.