Published August 22, 2004 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
As the Olympic Summer Games continue in Athens, I can’t help but notice that my physique does not look like that.
Like what?
Like THAT! Look at that guy!
Which guy? ALL THOSE GUYS!
I understand women go through the same process watching beach volleyball, or so I’m told. Personally, I found that a few minutes of watching women’s beach volleyball has a way of canceling out all external stimuli. I think women feel the same way about watching certain men’s events (including swimming, I’m told).
Perhaps the solution here is two gender-focused networks, so that you can watch what you want without feeling guilty about the four-inch block of gnawed sharp cheddar in your hand and the non-abdominal six-pack sitting on the coffee table.
I don’t know, maybe it’s best that I see what my body could look like had I not pursued a series of jobs almost exclusively involving deskwork. I know I COULD look like those guys if I spent my free time at the gym. But that’s the point. That’s why we have Olympic athletes – to lift heavy things and jump around. The real question is why isn’t weightlifter Rocky Thorstrap writing columns for The Daily Tribune? Seriously, because I could really go for a nap. Rocky? Are you busy?
OK, I guess I’ll finish this one out myself. For me, food and the Olympics have been tied together for some time. In the summer of 1996, I was nearing the end of a short career in pizza delivery. I brought a pie to a house in Gilbert during the opening ceremonies of the Atlanta games.
You know how sometimes in life, you have moments of profound realization? On the way up to the doorstep of this house, I had one of those – an epiphany, a clear vision of me doing something other than pizza delivery. I handed the pizza to the half-blitzed patron, who asked me, “Dude, wanna’ watch the opening ceremonies with us?”
My answer was clear. “Yes, sir. I will watch the opening ceremonies with you.”
I enjoyed a slice of pizza with a group of kind strangers and watched Mohammed Ali pass the Olympic torch to an archer who shot a flaming arrow to light the flame. It was quite a moment. Since then, I’ve held a special affinity for the Olympic opening ceremonies, especially the lighting of the flame. This year’s flame resembled a giant doobie, which was also enjoyable to watch.
So the Olympics have been going on all week and we have another week of big events coming up. Once again, we are very lucky here in Hibbing to have the Canadian channel providing decent live coverage. The only drawback to Canadian TV coverage is their woefully misguided optimism in some events.
ANNOUCER: We have Canadian Dickey McCallister in this event, the 100-meter freestyle swim. Dicky squeaked into the semis, but has high hope …
ANALYST: (restraining laughter). Right.
ANNOUCER: … high hopes of making the finals and earning a medal for …
ANALYST: (snorting, now). Hee-hee!
ANNOUCER: Canada. That’s right, it’s possible.
(Shot of Dickey being administered oxygen by the Labatt bear).
Hey, our northern neighbor may not be a summer games powerhouse, but I’ll take Canadian optimism with my sports coverage, so long as they keep the camera pointed at actual Olympic events.
By the end of the second week I just might be inspired enough to start lifting weights. That way, I won’t feel bad next time when … oh, look, women’s beach volleyball. Never mind.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.