Published August 20, 2006 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
By Aaron J. Brown
The Great River Energy Mesabi Trail Tour rolled into Hibbing last weekend. I was among the hundreds of serious and Jello-leggedly unserious bicyclists who participated. The last time I had even touched my trail bike was during the Mesabi Trail tour the year before. So I wasn’t as fast or athletic as I would have liked.
RANDOM BICYCLIST (as we both climb a large hill): Hey, where you from?
ME: Ghhhaaah! Huuuu! Ghhhhaaaah!
BICYCLIST: Quite a hill, eh?
ME: AAAA! HUUUUH!
The annual Great River Energy Mesabi Trail tour is a fundraiser for Independent Public Radio stations in Minnesota (such as 91.7 KAXE in Grand Rapids). It attracts people from all over, especially the Twin Cities. It’s a family event, not a race. But that doesn’t stop people from breaking out the Spandex. Oh lordy! The Spandex!
Here’s my thing on Spandex. No one looks good in Spandex. Naturally that applies to lumpy folks, but it also goes for good looking people with rippling muscles and pleasing curves. Good looking people end up looking like the guys from “Tron” or some other futuristic movie where people are created in tubes and social class is distinguished only by the color of your jumpsuit. What’s underneath that suit? Probably just a microprocessor and a cold, calculating computer program designed to obtain latte and imported SUVs. Meantime, “regular” people end up looking a week’s worth of dirty diapers in a tall kitchen trash bag. It’s a lose-lose situation.
That didn’t stop anyone from wearing the stretch fabric last week. I’m sure a purist could justify wearing Spandex outfits on casual bike rides, but I’m here to suggest – ever so gently – that you stick to cotton. Yes, you.
The bike ride and interaction with the riders, was – as usual – a lot of fun. The ride is usually paced well enough where traffic is steady but never crowded. And no matter what your speed, there’s probably someone along the way who’s just as fast and/or slow.
One cultural aspect of the bicycling world is the whole notion of announcing yourself when you pass someone. For instance, when you pass someone on their left you say, “On your left!” I completely understand the safety reasons for doing this. However, I can’t shake the sense of pretentiousness that goes with it. Maybe it’s just the Midwesterner in me. I don’t want to make a big deal that I’m faster than someone else.
I tried saying “on your left” a few times and couldn’t get the tone right. I tried a gentle, friendly tone, but I sounded like a birthday clown. I tried the direct tone that the Spandex people use, but it made me feel needlessly mean. So then I tried what I normally do on the trail: make some sort of subtle noise – a gear shift or a cough – to let them know I’m there. That usually worked fine, but whenever I passed one of the lumpy Spandex people I would hear them mutter something. I’m not sure if they were mad I didn’t say “on your left” or if they were agitated at my loose-fitting cotton wardrobe.
Aside from that, the only other problem was when I bent my rear wheel. I was trying to make a high-speed 90 degree maneuver leading into a tall hill and applied brake pressure during the turn. This works great if you’re driving the General Lee … not as much on a peddle bike.
But I survived. I managed to complete the Virginia to Hibbing route and look forward to next year. I just might do some training for the next one, but don’t try to sell me on the Spandex. I’ve seen the terrible things it does to good people.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.