Published August 8, 2004 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
Back in column writing school, old professor So-and-So used to say, “Connect with the readers in your first line.” That’s why I originally started this column, “Remember when that nostalgic TV show was on and that funny thing happened?” That ought to connect with everyone, I thought.
But then I remembered Day Two of column writing class where he said, “Vagueness is the devil’s muscle relaxant.”
My high journalistic standards, tempered by several moments of near-accuracy, demanded that I specify.
That’s a dangerous thing because what I’m talking about is the TV show “A.L.F.” If you don’t know what ALF is, he’s a furry alien who had a sitcom during the late 1980s. He’s witty, edgy, irreverent and all the cool things you’d expect from a washed out Muppet who eats cats.
Wait! Before you go read cranky old William Rusher’s column, bear with me.
When “ALF” went off the air, the last show ended in a cliffhanger where federal agents seized the loveable alien. “To be continued,” read the message on the screen. The only problem was that the show was never to be seen again. NBC cancelled “ALF,” never revealing his true fate.
For ALF fans, this was a terrible blow. My sisters and I were pretty shook up about it until a few months later when we forgot that ALF ever existed. In 1996, someone made a TV movie detailing ALF’s escape from federal confinement, though I didn’t hear about that until just last week during a session of “ALF” research for this column.
The reason I bring all this up is because “ALF” is back. You might have seen him on long distance telephone service commercials and “Hollywood Squares.” Now he might be getting his own show back, too. The story I read declared that “nostalgia” is fueling the return of ALF.
This is troubling, not because ALF was that bad, but because it opens up the door for the worst of humankind’s creations from the 1980s.
Evidence? Take, for example, the “Police Academy” movie series. They made seven of these decreasingly funny films. I read the other day that a movie studio is inking a deal to make Number Eight – including a return of most of the original cast.
The most amusing part of the story, which I found on MSNBC.com, are the quotes where several cast members were “very willing” to don their fake uniforms once again. That’s like saying Vanilla Ice is “very willing” to be considered cool again. I can’t imagine that the “Police Academy” guy who makes sound effects with his mouth has a lot of offers on the table. Getting people on the phone to think you’re a disco robot won’t land you the paychecks it once did.
The reason the new “Police Academy” movie is in the works, once again, is “nostalgia.” When I think of the term, “nostalgia,” I think of things like old-timey do-hickeys hung on the walls of restaurants. I don’t think of powerfully bad movies. But the new trend for 20- and 30-somethings is to revel in the terrible pop culture of their childhood. That’s why Care Bears and Ninja Turtles are still on the shelves. That’s why I’m here writing about ALF and “Police Academy.”
On behalf of my generation, America, allow me to apologize. I promise that one day soon we will start voting and move out of your basement.
Until that day, however, ALF walks among us. His story shall be continued, after all.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.