Published August 7, 2005 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
By Aaron J. Brown
Great athletic feats result from rigorous training. So, too, do rippling abs and resting heart rates in the single digits. I know this. And I plan to pursue all these things – at some hazy point in the future.
I had hoped that point would be August 13. That’s the day of the Great River Energy Mesabi Trail Tour, a trans-Iron Range bike ride that runs from Giants Ridge to Ironworld (with alternate start points in between). But with less than a week left, my conditioning program has yielded me just enough strength to lift my cycle onto the dusty bike rack rummaged from the corner of my garage, but not quite enough to yank on spandex pants.
Like a lot of bicyclists, I admire Lance Armstrong and his domination of seven consecutive Tour de France races. Like a lot of bicyclists, I’ve put hundreds of miles on area roads, streets and trails. And, like a lot of bicyclists, it seems I put on more miles last year than I have so far this year.
Note that I still say “so far.” The year, after all, is still young. Unfortunately, the part of the year where glaciers aren’t rampaging across our local landscape will end when the leaves start to fall next month.
What can I do? It’s been a busy year. We have a baby now and the new house isn’t quite finished yet. The time I would normally spend conditioning my legs so I could turn my pants into shorts by flexing was instead spent mopping indistinct white goo off my shirt(s). Next year, Henry can ride in one of those pull-behind carts and, boy howdy, will I be in shape then.
Maybe I’m not alone. Maybe some of you are looking for just the right exercise program that doesn’t involve all the “time” and “physical exertion” recommended by your “medical doctor.” In that case, let me share some tips with you.
Purchase a bike that is both heavier and less fancy than what serious riders use. Then when someone remarks that you are huffing and puffing a lot, you can say, “I’m using my training bike to prepare for the (name a corporation) (name a distance) (name a word that sounds like it could be a race). My preference is to say “Kraft Foods 500-mile Juggernaut,” but please, think of your own.
When training, always set your riding lawnmower to high gear so you burn more calories.
Tell people you’re ordering “just coffee” at the local coffee shop and then order the Super Mocha Cream Espresso Grande. The calories you consume do not have to be reported.
Sit up high in your bike seat, stick your feet out perpendicular from the bike and weave erratically. This increases wind resistance and builds more muscle.
If you stop to rest at a restaurant or hot dog stand along your bike route, be sure to have them wrap your greasy food for later so you don’t feel ill on the homestretch.
I suppose experts might quibble with my unconventional approach to fitness. My only regret is that I did not publish this as an expensive, easy-to-read trade paperback in time for my ideas to be debunked.
The Great River Energy Mesabi Trail Tour this Saturday is neither a race, nor the grueling test of strength seen in the Tour de France. (See www.mesabitrail.org for information). Thankfully, I’ve never been more ready for a non-race in my whole life.
Bring it on, Mr. Trail. (But not too much, OK).
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.