Published July 16, 2006 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
By Aaron J. Brown
Hot weather ushers summer movies to our local theatres. These movies cost more to make and require less thought than typical Hollywood products, thus people are very excited to see them. Let Europeans have the nuance; we’ll take the ‘splosions.
This summer’s blockbusters are even blockbustier. I think there’s a reason for that. Last summer’s surprise hit was “March of the Penguins.” Great movie, but you have to explain to little kids that those motionless baby penguins aren’t sleeping. That’s a real bummer. So Hollywood responded with simpler fare this year.
Now “Pirates of the Caribbean II: Dead Man’s Chest” heats up the screen as this year’s big hit. The film opened with a $128 million record-breaking box office weekend and has held up well since. Unlike “Penguins,” which glorifies the chase for krill and other al dente food required to sustain the life of a small flightless bird family, “Pirates” celebrates the unrelenting pursuit of booty. Not quite as honorable, but twice as profitable. I remember the news spin last year that the penguin movie success was evidence of a conservative political shift. What kind of sea change does the success of the pirate movie signal? Will “Black Bart” Roberts be elected to Congress from Ohio? Speaker Blackbeard? Rep. “Calico” Jack (ARRR-The Sea)?
Stupid cable news.
I was one of many who lined up to see this pirate movie on opening day. I don’t want to give away too many secrets; sufficed to say that many a timber is shivered. Johnny Depp reprises his role as Jack Sparrow, a pirate who inspires about as much fear as a wet paper towel (but, hey, the ladies do swoon). It also stars Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley as two department store mannequins who come to life and travel back in time to provide thematic balance.
All told, it’s an action-packed picture, complete with a 20-minute three-way sword fight and a giant squid that eats ships. Some scenes defy any form of logic, but people are willing to accept that in a summer blockbuster. For instance, why doesn’t anyone ever get stabbed in a movie sword fight? Characters seem content to just bang swords like they were trying a new sharpening technique. Then there’s the squid. All the big sea movies have a giant squid, and I must admit that the makers of “Pirates” have a lot of guts repeating the old “ragin’ calamari” act.
That’s OK. People do enjoy repetition. It’s a bit like how our son Henry …
GREEK CHORUS: No! You must not reference the child in a third consecutive column!
Me: Last time, I swear.
GREEK CHORUS: We’ve heard this before! The Gods will punish you for defying fate!
Me: Sorry about that, folks.
Anyway, it’s a bit like how our son Henry will push the same button on his Sesame Street pop-up toy over and over again when he figures out how to make the corresponding buttons work. Recently, he mastered the turn knob and the resulting “Oscar the Grouch” song.
“Oh, I love trash … Oh, I love trash .. Oh, I … Oh, I … Oh, I … Oh, I love trash. Anything dingy or dirty or dusty. Heh-heh-heh … Oh, I … Oh, I… Oh, I love tra … Oh, I.”
This is ridiculous, even maddening, for adults, but Henry loves it. After some thought, I must admit that Oscar’s dialogue is structurally similar to what you might see in a summer blockbuster. Henry’s gets a kick out of the darn thing. Isn’t that enough? Do we need to know why the giant squid eats ships, or is it enough simply to fear the giant squid?
GREEK CHORUS: Indeed, a question for the ages!
Enjoy the show, or at least the air conditioning.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.