Published July 11, 2004 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
Please bear with me. I’m fighting through the tears.
On Tuesday, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry picked his running mate after weeks of widespread speculation. Kerry selected former primary rival Sen. John Edwards of North Carolina, quietly breaking my heart.
The presumptive Democratic nominee conducted his search in complete secrecy. Lots of people had theories on who he would pick. Mine was that he’d call me.
The advantages, I thought, would be too great to ignore. For one thing, I have no pesky voting record to worry about. Secondly, even though my newspaper columns occasionally express actual opinions, I can always claim emotional duress or that CNN’s Aaron Brown wrote them in my place.
Well, it just didn’t work out.
Kerry probably has his reasons for not selecting me. I am from Cherry, home of the American Communist Party and, ironically, several radical militia elements. People from Cherry – no matter which side they’re on – generally represent ballot box poison.
Then there is the whole Constitutional issue. I am not yet 35 years of age, the number of earthly years required to serve as President or Vice President. I knew this was a strike against me in the vetting process, but I had to think, “if Americans are willing to give up civil liberties and the separation of church and state under the Bush administration, they won’t mind a young pup like me during the Kerry administration.” What’s the worst I could do? Drop f-bombs on the Senate floor. Dude, it’s been done.
After all, I’m the only potential VP candidate who killed a terrorist with his bare hands. Well, technically I used my car. And it was a deer. But in the moments before “Osama bin Bambi” hurtled into the ditch, I could tell that evil furball hated freedom.
I really did think I had a shot at the Number Two spot. When I was at the John Kerry rally in Cloquet last week, Kerry pointed right at me during his speech. Well, I think he was pointing at me. He had to play it cool because he didn’t want to tip off the national press that I was on the short list. Yeah, that’s it.
But the call never came. He picked Edwards, and a lot of people seem to think that’s great. I guess I can only take solace in the fact that this advertisement never hit the air:
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
NARRATOR: Who is the real Aaron Brown? (Cue black and white picture of me picking my teeth). Born in the 1970s (cue picture of swarthy man snorting cocaine at disco), he grew up far later than most Americans. Raised in a Communist encampment (cue picture of Cherry High School), he has this to say about America. (Show quote on screen: “I hate … kittens … apple pie … mom.) What does he really stand for? (Show another quote: “I love … Osama bin Laden … childhood cancers”). And just like John Kerry, he’s a flip-flopper. (Cue security camera footage of me at McDonalds, “I’ll have the No. 4 … NO! WAIT! The No. 11!). The Democratic vice presidential nominee – evil enemy of freedom? You be the judge. (Cue picture of me shaking hands with guy wearing angel of death costume).
I guess it’s not THAT bad I was passed over for vice president this year. It’s awfully tough out there. Maybe if I knock down a few more members of the woodland al-Qaida ring on Highway 7 I’ll be in the running next time.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.