Published July 10, 2005 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
By Aaron J. Brown
I once silently scoffed at people who prattled on and on about their babies. Now that we have our first son Henry, I understand that describing the bowel movements of your newborn to random people is not so much a choice, but a strange biological compulsion.
Hence, when I sat down this week with full intention of writing a thoughtful piece on the Supreme Court vacancy, I could only type the words, “You wouldn’t believe it. It’s green and pasty, like cooked squash left out overnight!”
I’m sorry you had to read that. I can’t help myself. Not anymore.
I fondly recall a time, not that long ago, when I discussed excrement only in reference to select political opinions and bad movies. Those days are gone. In fact, ironically, even though I talk more about scat than ever, I’m no longer allowed to say the four-letter word I once used to describe the collective work of Russell Crowe. Times change, I suppose.
People say things about babies that they would never say to an adult. For instance, if your boss yelled at you over the latest sales figures, I’d bet you wouldn’t later say, “Boy, he’s fussy today. He must have gas.”
The discussion of sleep also takes on a much different role once you have a baby. I can’t even count the number of people who ask about Henry’s sleeping habits. I’ve even taken to answering the question “How are you?” with the number of hours he slept last night. Henry will have to enjoy this time. When he’s my age, he will impress very few people if he sleeps for 12 hours straight and only gets up to eat.
Babies also provide valuable lessons in context. For instance, compare the following scenarios:
SITUATION ONE
PERSON #1: Aren’t you a cutie!
BABY: (burp)
PERSON #1: Good boy!
BABY: (rude noise from the nether-region)
PERSON #1: Ha-ha-ha! That’s just what he does!
SITUATION TWO
PERSON #1: Pastor, what should I do about my difficult personal problem?
MINISTER: (burp)
PERSON #1: Uh, right. That’s kind of gross.
MINISTER: (rude noise from the nether-region)
PERSON #1: Police!
As you can see, context is everything. By the same token, we seldom comment on the eating habits of everyday people the way we do about babies. You never hear someone say, “Aren’t you chunky! Back for more, eh?” to the lady in the buffet line, but for Junior it’s almost required.
Another observation: People refer to that which is found in a new baby’s diaper as a “present,” and the act of putting it there as “leaving you a present.” That gag probably wouldn’t get the same laughs if you or I did it at a dinner party. Well, maybe at some of the parties I’ve been to, but that doesn’t make it right.
Commenting on these things is really all one can do when it comes to new babies. Except for the basic biological activities we take for granted, babies can’t do much. I’m sure when our son is old enough we’ll talk endlessly about the perpetual motion machine he made at preschool.
Don’t worry, non-baby people. I’m hopeful that the chemical imbalance in my brain forcing me to write about baby bodily functions will soon pass. I’ll be writing about politics, economic development and unsubstantiated Internet rumors just as soon as I can. Until then, it looks like someone left me a present.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.