Published June 26, 2005 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
By Aaron J. Brown
Decisiveness seems impolite in this modern world. Throw a rock in the halls of any college and you will hit someone who hasn’t “found themselves” yet. Analyze an election featuring one candidate who wants to serve crude oil in school lunches and another who wants dump trucks to run exclusively on rainbows; almost half of all Americans will say they can’t decide.
Blunt wording also tends to work people up. You and I are expected to be wishy-washy on everything from the flavor of tonight’s dinner to the relative talent of the new “American Idol.” For example, our actual response to these things might be 1) “It’s good,” and 2) “she tries hard.” What we really think, however, is something like 1) “it tastes like drain scrapings,” and 2) “the humane thing would be to put her down.”
Hence the glory of the great decision-maker, “Rock, Paper, Scissors.”
Most people know Rock, Paper, Scissors. Paper covers rock. Rock crushes scissors. Scissors cut paper. Having two people each simultaneously signal one of these items is a non-negotiable way to make difficult decisions. Can’t decide what religion in which to raise your child? Rock has the answer. Should the prenuptial agreement include assets currently seized by the federal government? Paper shall clear the fog.
The game has taken on new importance in our baby-centered household, where Christina and I are often faced with the decision, “Who gets the next diaper – the one statistically likely to have the ‘mother lode?’”
I had heard that the game was a competitive sport in some circles, but a quick check online showed me just how elaborate “RPS” actually was.
RPS is, on the surface, quite simple. However, the complexity enters when you realize that the only real advantage you can gain is mental. The World RPS Society web site (www.worldrps.com) details many strategies to unglue your opponent and improve your odds with each throw.
Many of the big time throwers think of their options in three-turn series, called “gambits.” Three consecutive “rock” throws is called “Avalanche.” A rock, followed by two papers is called “Fistful o’ Dollars.” Only 27 gambits exist mathematically, so there are no secrets – only the silent guessing game over what your opponent might do next.
The names are the best part of the gambits. “Paper Dolls,”(PSS) “Toolbox” (SSS) and “Bureaucrat” (PPP) are quite common, but seeing them makes me wish I could create a new super-gambit involving more than just three throws – if only to develop a name. So here goes. My new super-gambit is (PPPPPPPPPPPPPSR) and its name is “How the Disgruntled Accountant Spent His Week Before Being Arrested.”
Trash talk is a big part of the sport at the top levels, but one particular strategy caught my eye. It’s called “Rusty” and involves telling your opponent that you “haven’t played in a while” and therefore might not win today. I love this strategy because it so resembles the clichéd way to hustle pool halls and bowling alleys. “Gee, Wally, you shouldn’t drink so much when you’ve got all those 20 dollar bills in your pocket. Why don’t we shoot some eight-ball for money while you get sober?” But most of all, I love that pretending to be “rusty” at Rock, Paper, Scissors will still result in one of three things: rock, paper or scissors.
In any event, I shall now have an infallible advantage in my diaper-related RPS matches, so long as no one predicts my secret strategy: hiding in the woods until the diaper change is complete.
Victory shall be mine.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.