Published May 30, 2004 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
Hello, television. We meet again.
You and I go way back, TV. I remember the good times. “Cheers.” Johnny Carson. Letterman, when he had hair. The 1987 and ’91 World Series. Oh yes, we’ve shared joy, TV.
But lately, I get the feeling you don’t care anymore. Sure, you’re giving me more channels now, but what’s on those channels? Home improvement shows. “When Animals Attack Before Dating Multiple Surgically-Altered Women.” You can do better, TV. I know you can.
I know you know that I’m a news junkie. The CNN. The evening news. You and I, we’ve tangoed in those neighborhoods, TV. But even the mainstream network news shows now give us more entertainment garbage than substance, and the substance they provide is usually trumped up fake controversy shown to gain ratings. What are you really offering me?
Fox News? That just angries up my blood. You’ll have to do better, TV.
Movies? Yeah, once in a while we get a decent movie, but not that often. And if you think we’re paying for your HBO, you better get your cathode ray tube checked, friend.
TV, you better sit down for this. Oh. OK, you are sitting down. TV, we’ve been thinking and, I’m sorry, but you’re on probation. You need to start getting better or we’re going to make a change. That’s right. We might stop getting cable. We might even stop watching you entirely.
Yes, I know you’ve heard us laughing about those people who don’t watch you because of your complete lack of meaningful content. You probably think we would never take that route. I’m here to tell you, TV. We’re ready to go there. We really are.
I have a stack of unread books, many of them completely devoid of pictures, taller than you, TV. I’ve got lots of work and writing projects to do, all of which have been delayed more than once so I could stare at you.
Yes, you have Twins games, TV. But so does radio. Radio is free. Cable costs money, a little bit more every year. Satellites cost money, too. Plus, the government might be monitoring us with satellites. I have no proof, but it is possible. I don’t need that kind of stress right now.
Sit back, TV. I’ve got a story for you. Oh, that’s right, I forgot. The other night, we watched a fly buzz around our office. Molly Dog tried to catch the fly in her mouth. She was hopping around, convulsing back and forth, snapping her jaws like a crazy dog. We realized something that day, TV. Our dog’s attempt to eat a fly was more entertaining than 90 percent of your content.
And you know what. Other people have you in their house – family members, friends, bars and restaurants. If we really want to watch you, we’ll find a way.
You’ve been neglecting my needs, and the needs of so many others, TV. You’re not the mass medium you were when I met you. I’m letting you know that I’ll give you one more chance.
TV, this is your notice. Get your electrons in order.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.