Published May 22, 2005 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
Graduation season is here, which means we will soon receive cards in the mail that have cards inside them, and that inside those cards will be even smaller cards that contain nothing but gold leaf lettering of some obscure relative’s kid’s name. If you tilt that card just right, the light will project a holographic image of yet another card, one that invites us to a party at some rustic township hall or city park.
The cost of all the materials adds up to about $5 per “card,” which means that when you send the graduate $5 enclosed within a congratulatory card, some distant paper baron laughs manically while stroking his solid gold robotic house pet.
High school and college graduation is an exciting time, a time of transition, a time of new beginnings, a time of flowery clichés that drip from the mountaintop like nectar from the blossoms of hope. Naturally, this is often best manifested in the traditional commencement address.
For small schools, the commencement speaker is usually one of the people who signs the diplomas, or the paychecks of the people who sign the diplomas. For medium schools, the speaker is a semi-powerful person who needs something from the audience, such as votes, large sums of money or a kind aversion of the eyes while glowing drums of nuclear waste roll down Main Street on flat beds (sometimes all three). For big schools, the speaker is a celebrity or A-list politician, such as Rosie O’Donnell, President Bush or the guy who played Chewbacca in “Star Wars.” Naturally, circumstances can switch some of these around (for instance, if Chewbacca spoke at his alma mater, the tiny and little known “Ggggnnaaaaawwwgh! State University in Wichita, Kansas).
All commencement addresses tend to follow a similar theme. Every once in awhile, someone will come in and say something dramatic, such as “It doesn’t matter what you did in school so long as you have (name of important life virtue goes here, e.g. love, honesty, friendship or the ability to traverse deserts with little water or rest). This happens often enough, however, that one can expect it from every third or fourth commencement speech.
The commencement speaker for my college graduation at UW-Superior told the graduates that our bachelor’s degree was our “ticket to the middle class.” Some friends and I laughed at the time, but there ain’t a one of us who spends much time worrying about capital gains taxes right now. That dude nailed it.
After the pomp and circumstance is over, graduates face the cold, hard reality of having to enter “the real world.” This always gets a chuckle out of those of us who have already graduated, because by now we’ve learned that “the real world” is something designed entirely to get kids to do their geometry homework.
Before the real world arrives completely, first the students must go through the graduation party. Graduation parties, like prom and weddings, have grown over the years. Just having a party is no longer enough. Certain special touches are now required, such as tables covered with little plastic “class of 2005” decorations and a “memory wall” containing photographic evidence of every action taken by the graduate since they emerged from the womb, and any resulting ribbons or news clippings. If you run fast enough past the bulletin board, you can watch an animated version of the graduate go through puberty all over again.
We can look forward to all of these things over the next few weeks. Let’s just be thankful that, at least this month, celebrating the possibility of a bold new future generally includes delicious meats and cheeses and more sheet cake than one could dream of devouring in a lifetime.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.