Published May 7, 2006 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
By Aaron J. Brown
Let it be known that I covered five kilometers on foot in less time than it takes a major TV network to air a bad sitcom.
Last week, I ran in the first ever Hibbing Community College Scholarships 5K Run/Walk. I’ve been running recreationally for a couple years, but this was my first time running in a timed event since I was the official laggard for my junior high track team.
A handful of serious runners set the pace, but I held in there. In the end I finished just shy of 29 minutes. Not fast, but faster than livestock (my main goal). The nice thing about the HCC race was that most of the runners were recreational, so my honor was preserved. I even won a medal for finishing second in my age group, which included two runners.
I learned a few things. One, there’s a reason that they don’t host “steak feeds” the night before marathons. That rare sirloin from the night before was good, but utterly unhelpful on race day. Also, listening to the iPod is a very helpful inspiration while running, but you better make a special “race day” playlist. “Joe Hill” by Joan Baez got me wanting to organize, but didn’t get me running any faster.
After running the race, my thoughts again turn to all the promises I’ve made to become healthy when the snow melted. A recent find in a magazine got me thinking.
People often act out their inner-most desires through magazine subscriptions. For instance, I read “The New Republic” to feel like an intellectual foreign policy expert and “Writer’s Digest” to feel like an accomplished author. In reality my foreign policy positions would likely cause global chaos, if only they were worded well. Lately, we’ve been reading “Fitness” at the house to feel toned. My actual level of tone is a matter of some question.
Last month’s “Fitness” included a poll about people’s body image. The magazine didn’t explain the statistical method used in the poll, but they did include a half naked picture of Jennifer Lopez – so, I figure it evens out. According to the poll, both men and women list abs as the body feature they’d most want to change. I’d include myself in this category. Running and biking do wonders for the legs, but little for the abs.
There were a few alarming findings in the “Fitness” poll. Fifty-eight percent would rather lose their jobs than gain 75 pounds. More than a fourth of all women would rather get their wisdom teeth pulled than try on swimsuits. And, this was the big one, twice as many women as men are happy with their hind quarters. This one struck me as most unbelievable. I’ve been a guy living in one of the most testosterone drenched places in the world my whole life, and not once has a male friend or colleague leaned over to say, “Does my butt look like cottage cheese? It does, doesn’t it?”
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. That’s an awkward chat any way you slice it. My approach to the derriere question is more of an “out of sight, out of mind” strategy. When my rear casts a shadow that I can see in front of me, I’ll respond accordingly.
If I keep up my running and biking I shouldn’t have that problem. I may have to start lifting weights or doing pushups to keep my body from resembling that of a middle aged Eastern European alcoholic playwright, but that’s not an impossible task.
At least I have a record that I really can run faster than a street sweeper. Next year I’ll try to get up to garbage truck speed. Let the training regimen begin!
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.