Published May 6, 2007 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
In case you missed the news last week, astronomers located a planet in another solar system that might be able to support life. Now they need to do more research to determine if humans (or wookies*) can survive there.
According to an AP science story, the planet might feature temperatures that could support liquid water, though this is not yet known. Additional factors could eventually deem the planet uninhabitable, but this is still an historic finding. No heavenly body discovered outside our solar system has ever shown this much promise as a life supporting planet. Fittingly, astronomers have bestowed upon this planet a truly inspirational name: “581c.” (This just narrowly beat my preferred name, “AwesomeRock.”)
Whenever I hear about other planets like this my first thought is: “How long before we humans ruin this NEW planet? Will we destroy it right away, or poke away at it for three millennia? It’s all about colonization. Look around Earth now. Oops: Greenland’s about to melt and we just can’t seem to figure out the Middle East. It’s kind of like when your house has a mold issue. Oh, man, that mold is everywhere. It’d take 30 grand to fix, or maybe we just paint it and buy something new.**
We’re a long way – literally – from colonizing this planet; it’s 120 trillion miles away. But we should all consider some rules for the new planet should our great-grandchildren (x 100) move there in the future.
1) If you must kill the wild mugothorps*** be sure to use ALL of the mugothorp, not just their solid gold tusks and clean burning lamp oil.
2) This time, let’s all take it easy on throwing old stoves and tires in the woods. If you didn’t want the stoves and old tires anymore you shouldn’t have brought them over on the 30 year space flight.
3) Kids eat free.
4) Conflict should be settled the way it is in cheaply-produced 1980s teen movies: on the dirt bike track, skateboard ramp, dangerous ski hill or outdoor basketball court. Synthesized public domain rock music in the background would add to the entertainment value.
5) Interplanetary colonization would be a perfect time to drop the Electoral College. Just sayin.’
6) The red dwarf sun that heats this planet would appear 20 times larger than our moon in the sky, according to estimates by scientists. Also, the planet doesn’t appear to rotate, according to reports, so half the planet is plunged in eternal darkness. So, the term “Sunny Side Up” would be a geopolitical hate slogan on the new planet and should not be used.
7) Life may already exist on 581c. So, we should all agree now that if we encounter this new life no one should mention what we did to our last planet. “Oh, yeah, well, my last planet and I decided to just be friends. Our goals, uh, weren’t, like, compatible. Hey, is that a virgin coal field? Awesome!”
Maybe it turns out that this planet isn’t as habitable as we would hope. Maybe we are stuck with just this one planet. But we should set some ground rules early. We tried the whole “willy-nilly” thing with this planet and now we must endure stern lectures from Diane Sawyer about how badly we’re handling it. This time is going to be different, I can feel it.
* George Lucas spells this “Star Wars” fictional species name as “Wookkies” to ensure copyright protection. I reject this spelling. Hear me, Lucas. I defy you.
** This is wrong. Talk to a professional about responsible mold mitigation.
*** This is contingent on the discovery of mugathorps on the new planet. Scientists remain mum on the subject.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.