Published April 15, 2007 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
Today, April 15, is usually tax day. This year the 15th falls on a Sunday, so instead today becomes a day of deep mediation and prayer that Uncle Sam might forget that you are indeed a citizen who earned legitimate income last year.
Since I have yet to be prosecuted for tax evasion (you’ll never get me, coppers!), I decided to offer some helpful hints to those hurriedly scrawling out their taxes using the only writing utensil left in the house, probably a yellow crayon or mini-golf pencil. Maybe you didn’t save your receipts? Maybe your receipts are in a grocery bag marked “smoked fish?” Maybe your receipts are covered in gravy? Hey, that doesn’t mean you can’t itemize. But in the commotion, here are a few items you probably shouldn’t deduct.
Ninja swords. “Ninja” is not a legally recognized vocation since a ninja’s only income is honor and vast, unfathomable powers of flight and stealth. Ninjas are volunteers and, as such, only mileage to and from ninja fights is deductible. That’s the real reason ninjas travel in groups of 3-5. (Paradoxically, anti-ninja government agents – who are federal employees – MAY deduct their ninja swords as a work-related expense, unless the sword was provided by their employer). Throwing stars, on the other hand, are deemed luxuries.
Beer (unless donated to food shelf).
Bacon (unless pig was documented part of post-1998 IRA portfolio).
Cult dues. Just because the man in the silver jump suit says your “purification fees” are tax deductible doesn’t make it so.
Robot-proof bomb shelter. Maybe you could call it a home office, but unless your income is directly tied to surviving the coming rebellion of the metal ones the tax man won’t buy this.
Pull tabs. Not an investment. Seriously. Not. An. Investment.
Anything from the Acme Corporation. This one is mostly for Wile E. Coyote, but it stands for everyone else, too. I know the roadrunner represents food and that the acquisition of food is a cornerstone of life. But for all that money (and where DOES it come from?) you could buy cases and cases of nice steaks and hire someone to cook them for you. Keep this stuff off your return.
Non-sentient “children.” Perhaps you’ve crafted a child out of butter. Perhaps this “child” has features one might describe as “lifelike.” Perhaps you consider this “child” to be your heir, perhaps even including “him” or “her” in your will. Maybe you firmly believe that one day your “child” will rule your financial empire, including vast holdings in the coal and railroad industries. I’m not judging you. But your butter baby is not a legal dependant. I’m sorry.
Naturally, your ability to sneak these items through your itemized list is directly related to the amount of money you have to hire good lawyers and ply elected officials with campaign bucks to create loopholes in the tax code. (Hence the “Committee for American Ninjas’” active involvement in last year’s Senate campaign and this year’s suspicious “Ninja Tax Rebate” that sneaked through committee). But us regular folks should probably just pay our taxes and move on. Happy Tax Day!
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.