Published April 4, 2004 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
Many readers make the comics their first stop in the Sunday newspaper. Comics, we’re told, are funny. People like to laugh more than they like to read about famine, so funnies often get the priority. What many fail to realize is that 1) “Garfield” has been written by drugged-up interns since 1989; 2) “Beetle Bailey” is produced by a computer whose sole function is to amuse other computers; and 3) the funniest stuff in the paper is often in the classified ads, not the comics.
Of course, we see some exceptions to the rule. Some comic strips are indeed quite funny. But most comics seem a little tired – firing off jokes like a salesman trying to empty a warehouse full of the movie “Backdraft” on laser disc.
For instance, “Family Circus” is a popular staple on many newspaper comic pages, but continues to cause me fits. Though the strip is sometimes “cute,” more often than not it is simply boring. If I were Bil Keane, I’d have started sneaking in Maoist propaganda sometime around 1992, just to get a rise out of people. (For example – Dolly: “Billy says me and P.J. are detriments to the common good!” Mommy: “Yes, we have shamed the family by having more than one child.”) Keane, apparently, is far more disciplined than me.
For those interested in humor, other areas of the newspaper often offer better options than the Sunday comics. The other day I read a classified ad for a van that proudly stated how the vehicle was “low mileage and 80-year-old-man-driven.” Did you miss that? “80-year-old-man-driven” functions as an adjective in this sentence AND a selling point. That’s right, folks. Don’t spend your hard-earned money on a van driven by an uppity punk when you can buy one driven by a member of “The Greatest Generation.”
I assume this means that a mature member of society cared for the van, which (wink-wink) never exceeded 35 MPH. Nuggets like this can make the classified page an amusing read.
A radio station where I worked in Iowa sponsored a community-wide rummage sale once. One older lady declared that her sale offered a vast array of “clothing, crafts, knitting supplies and adult movies.” Given the context, we assumed she was talking about “PG-13” movies, not the kind behind the beaded curtain at the movie store. No one had the courage to go find out for fear of seeing the lady wearing a knit thong.
You can also tell that our nation’s economy has tilted the balance of power in “help wanted” ads toward the employer. A friend sent me an ad for a half-time radio position in Iowa (and, for those who don’t know radio pay scale, half time work means that every other Friday they shake loose coins from your pants while pistol whipping your family). The ad read: “Qualified applicants should have experience with radio production and ability to work with diverse ethnic and religious groups and to raise funds. Fluency in Spanish, Russian and/or Hebrew a plus.”
I know most people who speak Spanish, Russian and Hebrew who are also willing to relocate to Iowa would froth at the opportunity to make $10,000 a year writing grants and solving religious disputes. But don’t worry, kids. Once the economy gets better I’m sure the Russo-Hebrew-Spanish speakers among us will see their salaries rise to the mid-$20,000 range.
I’m not sure that’s funny, but it’s more compelling than “Hagar the Horrible.”
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.