Published March 27, 2005 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
Tabulation of the 2005 Hibbing Daily Tribune readership survey continues, but a few trends are already emerging. The specific comments vary somewhat. “(Dump Brown.” “Less Mr. Brown, more Dr. Gott” “You know that guy, on that page, who writes that stuff. Get rid of that guy.”)
Regardless of the wording, these comments send a loud, clear message: “Aaron, the people want to see an edgy faux interview with a symbolic holiday mascot, preferably with a quasi-‘New Yorker’ line of questioning.” I am only too happy to oblige.
Ladies and gentleman, my exclusive interview with the Easter Bunny:
AJB: First, Mr. Bunny, let me get to the question everyone wonders about. Do you “get it on” like the Easter Bunny?
EASTER BUNNY: (laughs, lights a carrot) I’ll just leave that up to the public’s imagination. I am, however, a tasty woodland creature from a species with a high mortality rate. You do the math.
AJB: I bring up the topic for a reason.
EB: Good, because I was getting worried there for a second.
AJB: You came into existence really as a symbol of springtime vitality. In fact the symbol of a prolific rabbit delivering new life in the spring predates Christianity.
EB: Oh, man. Can’t I go one day without being reminded that I’m older than most world religions? (laughs). I mean, yeah, my fur is a little gray now, but it’s as soft and fluffy as ever.
AJB: Still, you’re a source of controversy. Some feel your association with the Easter holiday adds a secular distraction to one of the most important Christian days. Is the Easter Bunny working to defeat religion?
EB: Where do you get this? We’ve all got a job. My brother evades racing dogs. My sister did some magazine work in the ‘70s and now has 1.4 million biological descendants. I deliver candy to children. You can read into that if you want, but at the end of the day it’s all chocolate and that green plastic fake grass. If people want to burn me in effigy, perhaps they should take a moment to look at themselves in the glow of the flames.
AJB: You’ve spent some time thinking about this.
EB: Sure, I have. Last year, a children’s church play depicted me being whipped and led to the cross (“Easter Bunny whipped at church show, some families upset,” AP, April 7, 2004). Seriously, people, I hop and hide baskets. I have no subversive agenda.
AJB: Tell me about Santa Claus.
EB: Nick? Nick’s a good guy, but I’ve got a problem with the question. I always have to answer questions about him, but come Christmas time he’s all “Ho! Ho! Ho! Don’t talk about the bunny.” When was the last time Kringle had to talk to the press about me? We do the same thing. We visit millions of homes in just a few hours. The only real difference is that he gets a sleigh with reindeer and his loot goes in one central location in the house. I’m hopping, Brown. I’m hopping door to door to door and when I get in the house I have to hide the basket. If you ever go rooting around in a million plus strange homes, let me tell you brother, you see things.
AJB: Like what?
EB: Things. Things I cringe to talk about.
AJB: When’s it all going to end?
EB: Well, obviously I’ve outlived your average rabbit. I feel good. I get tired of the politics, but when I’m at the mall and I see that kid covered head to toe in chocolate and I know – I KNOW – he’s not sleeping until June, I feel a sense of accomplishment.
(Snuffs out carrot). I mean, I’m the Easter Bunny. You never burn out when you’re the Easter Bunny.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.