Published March 21, 2004 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
Before I die, I would like to see the inside of the Nashwauk radar ball.
If you ever drive Highway 65 north of Nashwauk (or as the locals cal it: “Northofnashwauk”) you know what I’m talking about. It’s a giant white dome perched atop a five-story tower just a few feet from the road. Some call it “Paul Bunyan’s golf ball."
I’m told the radar ball has something to do with air traffic control, or perhaps, nuclear missiles. Either way, the rotund white orb intrigues me to no end.
A couple years ago, I called the radar ball to see if I could do a story. I wanted to find out what they do in the radar ball and maybe, just maybe, get my picture taken with some fancy equipment, such as lasers.
At the time, the local radar ball authorities said that the 9/11 attacks had changed protocol for radar ball visits. They referred me to a very perky government official who gleefully told me how the tallest non-broadcast structure within 50 miles of Nashwauk, Minn., was actually a big secret. News coverage of the gargantuan sphere could draw dangerous attention to it.
Thus, my dream of gazing upon the interior workings of the Nashwauk radar ball lingers unfulfilled. Evildoers ruined the experience for everyone – except, of course, the radar ball people, who I can only assume live in the giant pod, sleeping in tiny upright compartments and eating freeze-dried government cheese. (At least, that’s how I picture it).
So here’s my official plea to our government:
Hello, government. How are you? Might I say, your large, bloated bureaucracy is looking especially lovely today. Have you had work done on it? Either way, you look like a trillion dollars, maybe more. Say, listen, about that “no visitors” policy at the Nashwauk radar ball. Yes, Nashwauk – that’s about 90 miles north of Duluth. No, it’s about 150 miles south of the Canadian border – in Minnesota. Yes, that’s a state. Anyway, I’d like you to reconsider you policy about the radar ball. Let me tell you why.
If you don’t let me look at the inside of the Nashwauk radar ball, the terrorists win. That’s right. Osama bin Laden dances for joy because law-abiding Americans may no longer experience controlled visits to secure radar ball facilities in rural Midwestern mining communities.
I bet you think I’ll spill the beans about what’s in the radar ball. You’re worried I’ll tell the North Koreans or some anarchist fringe group about all the cool stuff you have in the radar ball.
That’s where you would be wrong.
I am totally willing to participate in your vast government conspiracy to conceal the contents of the Nashwauk radar ball. Storage facility? Yeah, I’ll tell people that’s what I saw. I’ll even wear a blindfold if you just let me push some buttons or peek at a radar screen. Oh, I’m sorry. Did I say “radar screen?” I meant to say “harmless video game monitor.”
See what I mean? I can play ball. I’ll do what it takes to see the belly of the Nashwauk radar ball.
Perhaps if people knew more about the radar ball, it would not be feared and questioned the way it is now. The delicate secrets of this shining sphere could unlock the gates to world peace. Maybe. If not, it wouldn’t hurt world peace. And I could sleep better at night.
I’ll be waiting for your response, government. You know where to find me.