Published March 19, 2006 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
By Aaron J. Brown
This past month, the cable network VH1 released another of its pop culture/nostalgia/list programs entitled “I Love Toys.” If you’re not familiar with the format, congratulations on using your time better than I do. Having a baby gives you strange blocks of time in front of the TV, time I often spend swimming in the malaise of modern pop culture. I’ll just keep using the “baby” excuse until he’s old enough to say, “dad, this is just ridiculous; let’s go outside.”
This particular “I Love Toys” program comes after the network’s comprehensive analysis of various decades, fashions, music, hot people and unhot people. Eventually, these list programs will spiral out into other disciplines, to include “Ten Roman Emperors We’d Love to Colonize Our Homeland” and “40 Popes that were Dope.”
I could spend the rest of the column mocking VH1 but I’ve already tipped you off to the fact that I actually watch it, something we must never speak of again. Secondly, hurling insults at VH1 only makes it stronger. It’s like a Star Trek villain.
In a nutshell, the top toy according to VH1 is the hula hoop. Apparently, they felt that the hula hoop withstood the test of time because everywhere you look in America you see a youth gyrating within a hula hoop. In fact, you could throw a rock out your window right now and hit a kid playing with a hula hoop. Oh wait. Never mind; I just tried that and hit someone who recently lost their pension. My bad.
Toys have become rather important in our household. With Henry now old enough to comprehend the “fun quotient” of the various objects he attempts to ingest, we constantly struggle to find the right toy to keep the boy occupied. We have made a few observations.
First, modern toys are very noise based. Henry has about six plastic objects that will indiscriminately blurt “The Wheels on the Bus.” Strangely, only a couple of them are transportation themed. Basic toys like stuffed animals now contain squeakers and even the classic “multi-colored hollow plastic hoops that go on a peg” (is there a shorter name?) have rattles in them.
Second, toys try a little too hard to be educational. Used to be, you learned that cardboard tasted bad because you tried to eat a cardboard box and it was bad. Now, toys have built-in suduko puzzles and are designed to steer children with lower IQs into less challenging vocations (and later deny doing so in front of the House Education Committee).
Third, at least locally, you have fewer options when it comes to buying toys. We went shopping in Duluth the other day. (Attention local merchants: we did not actually purchase any goods and, even after obsessively washing our hands for hours, never regained a sense of cleanliness). We learned that two of the biggest, most recognizable toy stores in the Miller Hill area closed in the past year. The only place to buy toys on top of the hill is at the chain stores, which is the same problem we have here in Hibbing.
While the chain stores offer many toys at a decent price, this situation creates a few problems. For one, everyone has to pick from the same batch of toys, which makes for quite the homogonous Show and Tell at local elementary schools. (Billy: “Well, as you can see, I brought the same item as everyone else; but mine is still in the box and you’ll note the rare misprint in the packaging”). It also means that if the “hot toy” is sold out, you’re left giving your kid a cardboard box.
Heck, that’s what he wants anyway, and it’s educational, too. Maybe it’s for the best. Still, it’s been pretty fun reacquainting myself with the joy of toys, and I should consider myself lucky that Henry’s current favorites are all in the $5-10 price range.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.