Published March 11, 2006 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
By Aaron J. Brown
In journalism, headlines describe the story while subheads, the smaller lines that go beneath, explain just a bit more. If you ever look at the state or national obituaries, these subheads tell all. A national AP obit ran in the Hibbing Daily Tribune on Feb. 26 entitled “Actor Don Knotts dies.” The subhead: “Made being a nerd OK.”
When I die, I could only dream of getting a subhead so grand. For a man to single-handedly normalize the entire nerd culture requires true greatness. Oh, let me make it clear that I am not making light of Knotts’s death. He was a fine actor and person, whose nerd credentials I genuinely admire. But the subhead of the obit caught me, and it got me thinking about the kinds of subheads I should strive to earn for my obituary.
In no particular order, here are some obituary subheads that would make me proud. In all cases, the headline would be something simple, either “Brown dies suddenly” or “Brown finally dies” depending on the circumstances. Keep in mind that these might not reflect my life NOW, but perhaps with effort could reflect a future me.
Subhead: “Made being a nerd mandatory”
This one is a direct response to the pang of envy I felt with Knotts’s obituary. If it’s already OK, then this would be the next step.
Subhead: “Revived Zubaz pants trend”
It was either this or “Stopped eating fatty foods” and I took the one that let me eat mayonnaise straight from the jar. Also, I have fond memories of a time when one could wear these loose-fitting Velcro pants and have a pretty girl say, “hey, nice pants.”
Oh man, she was being sarcastic. I get it now!
Subhead: “Armed separatist militia stands down”
I’ve always coveted a loyal militia force, and what good is having a militia that ISN’T a separatist militia. If I wanted a private army that went along with the feds, I’d join the National Guard and gradually achieve a high rank. (Snooze!)
Since predicting the future is never completely accurate, I’ve also thought of some possible contingencies. For instance:
Subhead: “Failure to produce alien craft disappoints local cult”
Subhead: “Canadian border dispute expected to reignite”
Subhead: “Mutant ‘smart’ dogs mourn leader”
Any of these would cap a very interesting life. Of course, not everyone gets a long subhead. If I was relegated to a single column next to a big furniture ad or something like that, I’d have to settle for a short subhead. Possibly one of these:
“Had pizzazz”
“Ate own weight daily”
“Defied viceroy”
“Death stuns Pope”
“About time”
Each of these would probably draw the reader into the story, which is all I ask.
It might be a little macabre to actively plan for your obituary, but it does put life in perspective, which never hurts. I’m a big fan of obituaries that tell the whole story, good and bad. No one is perfect, so why should we try to appear perfect at the end. I just hope that I don’t end up in a situation from the stock sitcom plot where a character has to write a eulogy for someone that no one liked. (Which sitcom? Oh, I’m pretty sure they’ve all tried that one. It trails only “baby-sit a cute but precocious child for one episode”).
Naturally I hope that this issue is in the distant future for me. But it’s never too late to start living life for a better obituary subhead.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.