Published February 27, 2005 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
As average workloads increase, humans must find bold new ways to avoid actual work. Fortunately, the Internet provides boundless time-wasting opportunities and I am right here to make sure they all work.
Yes, yes and … yes. You wouldn’t believe the things I didn’t do today.
Here’s a message for all the kids out there. When you’re older, try to get yourself a job as a newspaper columnist. Either that or a consultant. That way, you can waste all the time you want online and call it “professional research.”
It even works if you’re just a hack writer toiling for a once a week column in a small Midwestern mining town. Trust me, I know.
For instance, last week I was tooling around looking for column ideas and I found something on CNN.com. The site featured a big splashy feature called the “New You Revolution,” which apparently also airs on the cable news network. The “New You Revolution” is a medical reporting project designed to help viewers and web site visitors overcome personal issues.
This particular “New You” story told of a man who was battling with fingernail chewing. The report detailed his ongoing battle to avoid nibbling off the ends of his nails, ideally before his wedding this spring. I gather his future wife has her mind set on getting that “hands touching” shot that the professional wedding photographers push at you like crack cocaine.
I know a lot of people chew their nails. I know nail-chewing is linked to many serious medical conditions, such as hangnail, “ouches,” “owwies,” and “oooo-that-stings.” So, please know that I’m not trying to trivialize this condition.
The nail-chewing guy was put in a focus group with people trying to lose weight and others who were, generally speaking, trying to change some personal habit causing them distress. I just wasn’t clear on why this was news. Would I be able to be paid some big time cable TV dollars (ie: CNN’s Aaron Brown rather than Hibbing’s Aaron Brown) for coming up with obvious answers to everyday problems?
Let’s try it out:
To lose weight, you must combine increased physical activity with a balanced diet that features fewer overall calories and less fat.
Now pay me.
To quit smoking, go cold turkey and deal with the consequences, try hypnosis or take some sort of prescription medication.
Now pay me.
The most important tip: Never give up!
Pay me, put it on a t-shirt and pay me royalties.
(I allow time to pass while I play computer pinball)
OK, I can see now I won’t get paid for these bits of wisdom, but I also know why. I have no corresponding graphics or charismatic TV experts to support my claims.
Perhaps I am being a little trite, but why is it big time TV news can get away with reporting the obvious and calling it “in-depth reporting?” What would you say if you saw these headlines on your TV screen?
“Flash: Food consumption linked to infant survival”
“Study: Gas, water combo bad for cars, people”
“Senator: ‘I’d rather be President’”
Yes, it’s true. I should not waste vast tracts of my day looking for obscure news items that amuse or enlighten me. However, it wouldn’t hurt if some major media outlets spent a bit more time on substance and a little less on regurgitating the obvious.
But don’t just take my word for it. Here’s Dr. Pablo Thunderstrike with results from a clinical study:
Dr. Thunderstrike: “Yes, the decline of mainstream journalism can be directly linked to the shrinking attention span of American children and reduced standards of excellence in American society. Wakka Wakka!”
(Cue: laser graphics featuring vague bar graph).
Maybe I should just get back to work.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.