Published Feb. 22, 2004 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
Back in journalism school, we used to make fun of people who were only there to become public relations flaks. If we had known that they and their kind would someday orchestrate what I saw the other day, we might have chased them from the building, pounding their well-groomed heads with our reporter notebooks.
In a widely distributed report, Barbie and Ken broke up this month, ending a 43-year relationship that has touched the lives of millions of children. Barbie and Ken, of course, are not sentient beings, but chunks of plastic molded to look like Young Republicans.
Thus I feel safe stating that these mass-produced inanimate objects did not actually break up, but that a cohort of PR types dreamed this up as a way to sell more Barbies and more Kens.
This news item appeared on most of the major news networks and in several print outlets. Apparently, all you have to do to get on CNN or MSNBC is send a press release that contains some outlandish declaration. Maybe Hibbing could garner free publicity by having the city council send a press release that says, “Hibbing declares war on Buhl: Angry H-town mayor: Water not that good.”
Apparently that’s all Mattel did to get a day of free advertising for one of their sagging 40-year-old toy lines. Well, the sales are sagging – the last 43 years have been remarkably kind to Barbie and Ken’s perky physiques.
According to the Associated Press article: “(Mattel marketing VP Russell) Arons denied that there was any truth to rumors that the breakup was linked to the Cali (as in California) Girl Barbie, arriving in stores now. To better reflect her single status, Cali Barbie will wear board shorts and a bikini top, metal hoop earrings, and have a deeper tan. This new style already has attracted a new admirer, Blaine the Australian boogie boarder.”
If the company is willing to pull a stunt like this, why not go all the way. Sell a new “Despondent Ken” complete with empty pizza boxes and tear-stained pictures of happier days. Sell tiny little CDs and personal effects for Barbie to throw out the window of the Barbie Mansion.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. With so many news outlets and so much plastic garbage to sell, PR types must do something to make a living. If sending out publicity notices on the break-ups of fake people who can’t bend their arms or legs is what works, we should not feign shock when they and their iron-hairdo colleagues go for it. In this regard, PR people are not unlike crabs that use beer cans for shells. It doesn’t seem right, but there’s no rule against it.
All this just might be sour grapes on my part. I have no numbers to back me up, but I’m almost completely sure that the person who wrote the Barbie break-up release made more last month than I did from all my writing last year.
Hey … that gives me an idea. Ken, if you’re looking for representation, call me.
NOTE: Last week, I presented the first installment of “The Candidator,” a satirical look at the 2004 presidential campaign. I will continue the story later in the year so I can rebuild the staggering loss in credibility I suffered after Episode One. I probably should have explained that, following the Terminator model, people from the future can’t take clothes with them. That’s why everyone was naked. My bad.