Published Feb. 15, 2004 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
Scene: Boston, Summer 2004.
The delegates shift warily in their seats on the second day of the Democratic National Convention. Their nominee, Sen. John Kerry, recently suffered a Botox overdose that rendered him completely smooth. Hope appears lost.
(Cue “Terminator” theme music).But hope is not lost. In a flash of light, a naked, muscular man appears before the convention hall entrance. He walks into the side door marked “Candidates Only.”
The naked man rummages a flawless dark blue suit and red tie from the wardrobe room. Putting them on, he waives off the makeup artist, pointing at the natural layer of blush and foundation evenly layered across his rugged, thoughtful face. He enters the candidate waiting room where this year’s failed Democratic contenders brood, strategize.
“I am the Candidator.”
“So what?” said Wesley Clark. “If we wanted visitors, we’d let Clinton in here.”
“I come from the year 2028,” said the Candidator. “I was sent by the Democrats of the future. In my time, powerful robots that look like Donald Rumsfeld rule Earth. They are killing machines 10 times stronger than humans, fueled by softball questions about the war in Happy Freedom Land … I’m sorry, Iraq as you know it. We Democrats keep fighting, but we are underground. Recently, the Republicans and their robot armies developed time travel and planned to come back to 2004 to eliminate their only remaining threat, the unrealized potential of this year’s Democratic candidates. I’m here to stop them.”
The candidates’ jaws dropped. Dennis Kucinich slapped his forehead. “Kerry, this is all your fault,” he said, pointing at the smooth, ghostly figure in the corner.
“I am part human, part machine,” said the Candidator, “and have been trained to absorb your best features so I can defeat George W. Bush.”
“Hey, wait a minute,” said Howard Dean. “If people weren’t willing to vote for me, why would they vote for a machine?”
“Well, they don’t have a problem electing the George W. Bush-bot in 2008,” said the Candidator.
“Bush-bot? Man, that dude will try anything," said Al Sharpton.
“That’s just the beginning,” said the Candidator. He grasped the forehead of Kucinich, quickly downloading the Ohio Congressman’s health-care plan and super-sonic hearing. From Dean, he gained the e-mail addresses of thousands of Americans. From Clark, he got the ability to speak four languages while firing a weapon. He took Sharpton’s sense of humor, John Edwards’ speaking abilities, and, finally, the silvery, immovable hair of John Kerry.
“Just one question,” said Kerry, struggling to speak over the sound of his glowing skin. “Are you a veteran?”
“Don’t worry,” said the Candidator. “Once I get the time travel fired up one more time, I will be.” He disappeared with a wooshing sound.
“Well, that solves one problem,” said Kerry.
Suddenly, a loud pulse sounded outside the dressing room. A naked, 85-year-old Al Gore appeared in the doorway. “Oh, thank God. You guys are all here. Listen, you won’t believe this but I came back from the future where Republicans rule the Earth with killer robots and then they got time travel and …”
“Wait a minute,” Clark interrupted. “Is this about the Rumsfeld robots?”
“Yeah,” said Gore. “How did you know? I’m the only one who knows about that except for the Republican secret weapon, the Candidator, and I could have swore I passed him back there on the space-time continuum … oh, man, unless that was Dick Clark again.”
The candidates’ jaws dropped again. “He was just here,” said Kucinich. “He took all our best attributes so he could beat Bush for us.”
Kerry thoughtfully touched his dazzlingly smooth head. “We don’t have much time. Let’s go.”
Al Gore stroked his long, gray beard. “I can’t believe you guys gave him all your stuff.”
“Gore,” said Edwards, tossing a pair of chinos. “Pants.”
Tune in next week to the stunning conclusion of “The Candidator.”
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for The Daily Tribune.