Published February 12, 2006 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
By Aaron J. Brown
If you haven’t heard, Canada elected a conservative government last month. At first this seemed a surprising move for a country that recently legalized marijuana, but all is not as it appears.
For American liberals, learning that Canada veered right is like hearing that Disneyland burned down. Even if you’ve never been to Disneyland, a little part of you finds comfort knowing it’s there. Indeed, for liberals threatening to leave the U.S. over bad public policy, the list of flee-worthy countries just got shorter, albeit warmer.
Pundits told us the Canadian election would signal stronger relations between the Bush administration and Canadian leaders. For several years, differences on Iraq and lumber exports had caused prickly dealings. Now, it would be nothing but good times, maybe even prompting a friendly George W. Bush nickname for Canada (something like “Texas Ice”).
Hold the phone, Dubya.
Shortly after his election, new Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced plans to defend Canadian sovereignty above the Arctic Circle. Recently, the U.S., Russia and Denmark have made mineral claims on the area near the North Pole. Furthermore, the U.S. sends nuclear submarines under the ice in that region to move between the Atlantic and Pacific oceans. Harper wants to open and defend this channel using Canadian military ice breaker ships, thus creating the historically significant Northwest Passage.
To recap: Large countries are engaged in brinkmanship over the Northwest Passage. This conjures many thoughts for me, but the first is this: You just can’t beat the classics.
What’s this fight about? The freaking Northwest Passage. European powers spilled blood trying to claim this mysterious waterway for more than five centuries. After millions died and our current borders were formed, the passage was deemed a myth and eventually we all started watching TV and getting fat. With melting polar ice caps, we have now learned that there is a Northwest Passage and the Canadians probably own it. And, with those lily-livered Liberals out of power, they’s ready for some Yankee whoopin.’ Ever see a hockey fight. Yeah, it’s like that.
Since World War III might involve the Northwest Passage, I made a “top five” list of other historic war catalysts to consider. I didn’t include current war catalysts, such as religion and economic interests, because they’re more “pop” than “classic.”
5) Arranged Marriages. Back when royal marriages were widely used to consolidate or propagate power, engagements were short and unemotional. If one young royal rejected his or her arranged mate it meant war, even if it was because the lad or lass was so inbred that he, she or it had one eye and breathed through the other empty socket.
4) Fountain of Youth. In a culture where Americans inject botulism into their faces so they vaguely resemble unhappy 28-year-olds, you better believe this keg could be tapped. Sure, Ponce de Leon struck out in Florida. But if the F.O.Y. was found in a country with vulnerable defenses, I bet we could feign outrage over that nation’s human rights record faster than you could say “emerging threat.”
3) The assassination of an obscure Duke. It’s not right, (or is it?) but assassinations don’t kick off wars the way they used to. Is this the consequence of an ever more violent society, or just the result of lower-valued leaders crafted from cheap plastic? If only we knew.
2) Chupacabra. Do a web search on this one. The half-bat, cat-like possible alien offspring that sucks goat and cattle blood is just as good a reason to engage in continental conflict as anything else. Remember, war justification doesn’t need to be real; it just needs to get people to the recruiting station. “I’m in the Army for my family, for my community, and to stop El Chupacabra.”
1) Gold. Oh man, for an old-school geopolitical smackdown, it doesn’t get much better than gold. “Dude, I heard there was this town in this one country where they make their toilets out of gold, because they have so much of it, and they’ll trade gold for clean socks and dental floss. Unless you conquer them. Then you get to keep the socks and floss.” War!
I apologize for being so glib about war. It’s just that so often reasons for war are even worse than these. Naturally, as a resident of northern Minnesota, with sentiment for both my native U.S. and Canada, I hope we avoid a war over the Northwest Passage. We should try to find some other way to get the spice ships to Spain.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.