Published February 6, 2005 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
If you’re in the waiting room at the clinic, chances are, you don’t feel well. You might be sick, someone in your family might be sick or you may soon take part in a routine checkup that involves head turning, coughing and strained sports chat. (“Sorry if my hands are cold.”)
For whatever reason you’re there, you probably aren’t prepared for the stark dose of reality that I recently received reading one of the complementary magazines in the clinic waiting room.
The cougar threat is real, and humankind is not ready.
Before an appointment at a Hibbing-area clinic, I perused the magazine pile, finding a title about deep woods survival. Since not dying remains a favorite hobby of mine, I paged through the publication. Oh, the things I learned!
What do bears, cougars and black widow spiders have in common? For one thing, all of them can be shot in the abdomen if need be. And believe me, the need may indeed be. Secondly, all three are in the woods, waiting to kill you and your loved ones right now. You must respect them, and be prepared. Oh yeah, and they sell spray repellents for all three creatures as well.
The magazine paid special attention to cougars. For instance, did you know that cougars have no natural fear of humans? They can build up fear, such as when a human mocks a cougar during his or her awkward pubescent years. (“Hey cougar, you’ve got some pizza on your face! Oh, sorry. snicker-snicker”) But if that first lost toddler goes down smooth, cougars just keep feasting on man-flesh.
During a column last year, long before I read this article, I said the threat of cougar attacks was over-hyped by the media. The clinic waiting room reading experience gave me even more statistics to consider, including the fact that any numbers comparing cougar attacks to rarities like lighting strikes are purely situational. That is to say, you are unlikely to be attacked by a cougar on Howard Street, but if you go into what the magazine dubs “Cougar Country,” you are indeed likely to be mauled by a “hell cat.”
More alarming than the threat of cougars was the magazine’s solution, “Stay out of areas where there are cougars.” This same publication ran a five-page article about the best kinds of ammo to pump into the belly of a charging grizzly bear, but when it comes to cougars they’ve got nothing.
I’m not sure if raging cougar fear is something the clinic staff wants to instill just before patients see the doctor, especially among children (who make for the tastiest of cougar treats, according to reports). Then again, perhaps it’s an attempt by the insurance industry to hold down “cougar mauling” expenses. I would imagine cougar-mangled policyholders rack up the costs, what with all the stitching thread and post-trauma therapy.
Despite my newfound fear of cougars, I’m glad I read the article. I did learn quite a bit. In fact, maybe I can help. You know how a lot of companies put out refrigerator magnets with catchy public service announcements? Maybe someone could print up magnets with this little diddy, based on real cougar facts:
Wolves maul your belly,
bears beat you down,
but your neck be broken
when cougars come to town.
FEAR COUGARS MOST OF ALL!
(Brought to you by
YOUR COMPANY’S NAME HERE)
I like it. But, just the same, I think I’ll read a little of that “Good Housekeeping” next time I’m at the clinic.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.