Published January 30, 2005 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
If you’re like me, you had a nasty case of “Shovel Arms” after last week’s unremitting snow and cold. I also had shovel legs, shovel chest and shovel back. Fortunately, the crisp narcotic of pre-hypothermia kept me from feeling too much pain.
For white collar workers like me, snow shoveling calls upon many seldom-used muscles. For instance, there’s a muscle that gets used right as you plunge your shovel into a hard packed snow bank. It might be called a “glute.” I think I heard that on cable once. Also, you use a unique muscle when you’re shaking your shovel at the plow driver after he piles a Herculean wall over the thin cow path you just spent an hour digging out. That one is called a tri-glute. Or else a quad? I don’t know. Gym was the one class I had trouble with.
Who likes old timey folk songs? How about old timey RAILROAD folk songs? There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, to the tune of “John Henry,” here’s my new snow shoveling folk tale, “The Ballad of John Ranger, Snow Shoveling Folk Hero.”
(Steady beat: shovel digging through snow, scraping pavement below)
When John Ranger was a little baby,
Sitting on his daddy’s knee.
He picked up that shovel
That little plastic deal
Said, “shovelin’ be the death of me,
Lawd, lawd,
Snow shovelin’ be the death of me.”
John Ranger’s family needed sidewalk
To get out to their car.
He said, “Give me a second
to lace them boots up high.
I’ll shovel you a snowy hallway, lawd yes!
I’ll shovel you a snowy hallway.”
John Ranger passed the frosty snowman,
Said the snowman, “What can you do?”
“I can climb a berm, make the plowman squirm;
I can pick and shovel, too, lawd yes;
I can pick and shovel, too.”
John Ranger said to the plowman,
“Don’t you bring that snowplow around.
I’ve been shoveling all darn day,
You just go away.
Plow to the other side of the street, lawd yes,
Plow to the other side of the street.”
The plowman said to John Ranger,
“Plowin’ be my job, young man.
I plow it where it goes, shovelers be hosed.
Invest in a shovel made of steel, lawd yes.
Invest in a shovel made of steel.” (Cue: Plow rumble, scraping noise)
Weeeeeeeel, John Ranger said to the frosty snowman,
“A man ain’t nothin’ but a man.
He brought that plow around, now he’s way downtown.
I’ll die with my shovel in my hand, lawd yes.
I’ll die with my shovel in my hand.”
Said the snowman to shovelin’ John Ranger,
“The snowbank’s cavin’ in!”
John Ranger, he just laughed.
The snowman was aghast.
“That’s just my shovel sucking wind, lawd, yes.
That’s just my shovel sucking wind.”
Well, John Ranger finished shovelin’
Took his gloves off and wiped his brow.
His wife called out the picture window,
“Winter storm is on its way, lawd yes.”
TV says winter storm is on its way.”
(Ideal location for mouth harp solo, perhaps some banjo)
John Ranger went to the big store,
Said to the big store lass.
“Fix me up with a snowblower,
one that runs on gas.
Shovelin’ be the death of me, lawd yes.
Snow shovelin’ be the death of me.”
THE END
Don’t let winter get you down. Groundhogs Day is just around the corner and I’m sure that furry little devil will predict some sunny skies and warm weather for February. He’ll be wrong, of course, but you can’t beat rodent optimism.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.