Published Jan. 25, 2004 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
You are 10 times more likely to be attacked by your own dog than a mountain lion.
Recently beamed out over the 24-hour MSNBC news network, this fact shocked me right off the couch. I glanced quickly to my left, where Molly Dog was sleeping on the back of the love seat with her paws up in the air. She sleepily smacked her dog lips as she rolled over.
Could it be true? Could Molly Dog (who, for those scoring at home, weighs less than most breeds of poultry) really be a bigger threat to me than those terrible mountain lions that attacked those people out in California?
According to vague news statistics misleadingly related to sensational animal attack stories – well, maybe.
I gather that someone in the newsroom got the idea to compare the number of “mountain lions eat people” attacks to the number of “dogs attack their owner” incidents and come up with a snappy ratio. If 10 times as many people are attacked by their dogs as are mauled by mountain lions, that is indeed something that fills airtime.
However, before I tip off all the other news organizations (thus setting off the Secret Journalistic Code of Gratuitous Repetition) allow me to point out that there are, in fact, quite a few more dogs in this country than there are mountain lions. Additionally, most of the dogs that attack their owners do so because of mistreatment or some genetic imbalance fueled by irresponsible breeding. Your “average” dog would rather maul the family couch before they would feast on your bones.
Mountain lions just want to feast on your bones.
Molly Dog is generally a good-natured pup. She might bark menacingly at people who walk by the house, but turns into a little princess when they come up to her – with one notable exception. Whenever the mail carrier arrives, Molly turns into Cujo and tries to break down our front door so she can go “mountain lion” on the unfortunate public servant. One day, we decided that if Molly met the mail carrier maybe she would not be so angry with him. Christina held her up as the mail came. The mailman said “Awww. Does the puppy want a letter?” Molly’s response was “GRRRRRRR RAR RAR RAR!!!” (teeth gnashing, etc.)
Christina tried to convince the carrier that Molly isn’t normally like that, but he was not convinced. Molly, it appears, maintains her blood feud with the U.S. Postal Service. The men and women who wear the eagle have all stayed clear of our 15-pound monster dog since that day.
So, getting back to topic, I don’t think my dog would slaughter me cougar-style, but I do fear that she might do a number on the mail carrier, perhaps even damaging his or her pants leg and/or slowing them down somewhat as they deliver the mail. We can’t have that, so Molly does not have front yard privileges.
But let this be a warning to you. Keep an eye on that pooch of yours – he or she might be plotting something. Just look out for the tell tale signs. Do you find your dog chewing on your brake cables or gnawing on the post holding up the stairway railing? Has your dog been offering you food and beverage more than he or she normally does? Did Fido or Dottie bring the latest copy of your will to you while wagging his or her tail in an ESPECIALLY cute way?
If so, watch out. You’re better off with the mountain lions.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for The Daily Tribune.