Published January 23, 2005 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
Sooner or later, we all end up on a list. Most of us end up on several. If you golf, you end up on a list of potential golf magazine subscribers. If you worship Ra*, eventually you’re up to your thighs in complimentary Ra address labels. That’s just how it is.
I’m on a lot of lists, which means I get a lot of junk mail. I’ve built up immunity to pleas for various political causes and I don’t buy the computer software promising to help me write the Great American Novel. But the other day, I received something truly alarming, likely resulting from being on a list of football fans. It was an exclusive opportunity to own the highly collectable Minnesota Vikings Christmas Village.
Perhaps some of you received a similar offer? The Vikings Christmas Village is a glorious hand-crafted miniature spectacle that in no way resembles reality. First off, the stadium is an open-air facility, but doesn’t look that much like the old Met**. The other buildings, sold separately, include the Vikings diner, the Vikings restaurant and the Vikings train station. All feature tiny people wearing purple shirts and, oddly, purple Christmas decorations. I would bet that fans of any NFL franchise received a mailing for their own team, with different colored shirts on the dorky, vaguely nostalgic little people.
Meantime, in the window of the “diner,” we see the Vikings football team sitting at the counter in full pads and uniforms. Are they enjoying a pre-game snack? No, most of them are drinking from elaborate water bottles. Why are they doing this? It’s all part of life in the Vikings Christmas Village.
My personal favorite was that the price was not listed anywhere on the mailing. You have to send away to reserve your “opportunity” to purchase this exquisite item. That’s kind of like going to the grocery store and asking the clerk how much a gallon of milk is, only to have them reply, “Drink it, then I’ll tell you.”
I also enjoy the irony in something called the Vikings Christmas Village. The real Vikings lost their dominance over Europe shortly after they adopted Christianity. Now, 1,000 years later, a football team named in their honor is being tied to that same religion in an effort to sell collectible figurines. Some hairy dudes in Valhalla*** must really be steamed over that one.
Seeing the fantasy world of the Vikings Christmas Village only reminds me of the heartbreaking choke from the last time the football Vikings played. (This is how you know I’m a real Vikings fan. I write these columns two weeks in advance and I still feel confident putting this on paper. Here’s another one: “Can you believe how that important player messed up that one play in such a spectacular way?” Don’t hate me. It’s true, isn’t it?).
I suppose the true Vikings fan may indeed wish to own a Christmas village celebrating his or her favorite team, but I for one wonder what else might come in the mail. Which list am I on now?****
* The ancient Egyptian sun god, traditionally depicted with the body of a man and head of a hawk.
** Metropolitan Stadium, the Bloomington stadium that housed the Vikings and Twins until it was demolished in 1985. The Mall of American now stands on the site; ironically, its stores sell enough collectable figurines to fill a conventional stadium.
*** Valhalla was the Viking idea of the afterlife, where brave warriors went after they died to fight battles all day only to have their wounds heal after a mead-induced night of deep sleep.
**** The Asterisk Anti-Defamation League conducts letter-writing campaigns against all who use asterisks in a sarcastic way.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.