Published January 22, 2006 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
By Aaron J. Brown
Let’s face it. A theme park without a theme is just an overpriced way to feel like you’re at the DMV, only with longer lines and more nausea.
Recently, the shopping public learned that “Camp Snoopy” at the Mall of America lost rights to use the Peanuts characters created by the late Minnesota native Charles Schultz. The mall, excuse me, Mall must now remove all Snoopy images from Camp Snoopy and develop a new name for the amusement park.
Apparently, officials were hopeful they could renew the license, but Lucy pulled the contract away just as they were about to sign it. Arrrggh! When will they learn?
The mall bosses need a new theme that will attract visitors while avoiding anything protected by copyright law. No one loves obscene commercialism more than yours truly, so I thought I’d help.
First, the obvious: Camp America. If there’s one thing we Americans love it’s reminding ourselves that we’re Americans. From bumper stickers to shirts with flags on them, Americans love to remind people around them, primarily Americans, that they’re currently in America. I don’t know what would happen if we all forgot (universal health care?). That’s why Camp America would feature lots of stars and stripes, which are free, and fervent nationalism, also free, which bubbles just below the surface of our society ready for a tappin.’
Camp Bob Dylan. If the Snoopy people won’t play ball, maybe Hibbing’s own Bobby Zimmerman will. In recent years, Dylan has lent his name and image to Victoria’s Secret and Apple Computers. Next spring he’ll host a rock ‘n’ roll show for XM Satellite Radio. Kids might not always relate to “A Hard Rain’s A Gonna’ Fall,” but they only watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” because mom and dad make them.
Camp Existential Crisis. You could name the park, but that doesn’t get us any closer to answering the REAL question: Does the park even exist? Camp Existential Crisis would still have rides, but they would mostly just go around and around.
Camp Exploit the Emotionally Weary Survivors of a Tragedy To Stanch the Bloodlust of the American Television Viewing Public. Sorry. I just finished watching the news. I don’t think this will work. Theme park visitors generally like their exploitation to be more subtle.
Camp Twins Stadium. Two problems could be solved at once if officials construct a new Met Stadium on the exact site of the old Met stadium, in the center of the Mall of America. The Twins would have their state-of-the-art ballpark and the mall would get guaranteed customers on game days. Plus, as an added bonus, home run balls would land in the icy vats at Orange Julius and tailgating would feature a lot more cappuccino and shoes.
Camp Copyright Challenge. They say when you fall off a horse you should get right back on. The Mall of America could save a few bucks while still profiting from vaguely recognizable images. Kids would be welcomed at the gates by the giant orange cat Gordenfield, who loves hot dish and hates Tuesdays. Then they could ride on the SpongeRob Octagonhosiery roller coaster. Parents could rest on benches shaped like the Middle-aged Malformed Kung-Fu Terrapins. Sure, there’d be some pesky legal challenges, but any place with that many escalators already has lawyers on the payroll.
Mall officials say they’ll announce a new name for the theme park soon. I remain hopeful they’ll use my suggestions. Meantime, don’t let the unnamed theme park in the middle of the mall stop you from racking up consumer debt. This is America, after all.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.