Published January 20, 2008 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune

Celebrate National Something Month this month

By Aaron J. Brown

I bet you thought it was January. Ha! Fool! You have to watch the 5 o’clock news to find out what month it REALLY is.

Now let’s be clear. I mean the FIVE o’clock news, not the six. At six they air the top stories of the day, such as fires, crime, politics, ribbon cuttings, zoning regulation changes and footage of the squirrel who befriended a dog somewhere near Esko. You know, important stuff. At five they test material they sense isn’t quite as interesting. And often it’s material that major organizations send them.

For instance, last week watching one of the local 5 p.m. TV news broadcasts, we learned that January was National Thyroid Awareness Month. It was one of those medical segments where you can tell the reporter was contacted by someone from the medical industry with close ties to thyroid study (dare I call it, Big Thyroid?)  I understand the need for thyroid awareness. By why do thyroids get a month when mental illness – a vast field of study that affects millions – only gets a week (Sept. 30-Oct. 6)

On the subject of National Thyroid Awareness Month, I composed a joke after seeing the news report about thyroid health. There was disagreement in my house as to its quality. I shall let you, the people, decide.

A-hem. Why did the vampire athlete have to give back all his Olympic Medals? 

Because they caught him taking thyroids! 

Thyroids! Get it! They’re in the neck! They rhyme with steroids! It’s GOLD, I tell you. GOLD! Timely, too. OK. Well, I’ll stop now.

On top of that indignity, Thyroid Awareness Month must share its month with Soup Month, Oatmeal Month and Braille Literacy Month. Now, I like soup. I like oatmeal. I’m all for the Braille. But as an informed citizen who seeks to abide by the commemorative months discussed on the 5:15 TV news dump, what I am to do? I can’t eat soup AND oatmeal, not at the same time anyway.

I’m sure this commemorative month thing began innocently enough many years ago, probably something like Saber Tooth Tiger Attack Prevention Month or Hey Look We Totally Just Signed the Magna Carta Month. So I don’t mean to belittle the importance of the various things celebrated in these declarations. But we just don’t have enough months in the year for everything.

Once, back when I was behind the editor’s desk at the Hibbing Daily Tribune, I received a press release telling me that May is National Egg Month. Then, a little later, I received another telling me how September was National Chicken Month. Which came first? I mean, I know May is before September, but what if you start keeping track in August? It’s all so confusing

Might I suggest that we sort our commemorative months into genres? We could make one month, maybe two, for medical ailments of all kinds. Then each malady could have its own day or week. Food could have another month, followed by an animal month, a history month and then a month for all the days designed to sell greeting cards to people who recently began dating.

Meantime, I suppose the commemorations shall continue. Today, in case you didn’t know, is Penguin Awareness Day. I’m not sure how to celebrate that one. You could wear a tuxedo or maybe stand outside for three months warming an egg under your belly fat. Do what feels right, I guess. If that’s not your thing, good news. Tomorrow is both National Hugging Day and Squirrel Appreciation Day. So bonus points if you hug a squirrel. Extra bonus points if you end up on the five o’clock TV news.

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