Published January 16, 2005 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
The human race has accomplished impressive feats in its relatively brief time on Earth. Among the favorites: fire on demand, the cotton gin, abstract thought, horseless carriages.
But for every amazing triumph forged by people, nature lays waiting to offset our gains.
Our story begins a couple weeks ago with the New Year’s weekend ice storm. Oh, what an ice storm! Indeed, I was quite grateful for the heat that comes from what we moderns call “radiators” and the water that comes from “pipes.” A similar storm would have surely killed my ancestors, who lived in caves and clubbed animals for food (circa 1936).
Anyway, the storm created a thick layer of ice over most cars that day. After running my car much of the day, I parked in my usual spot on the street. There it stayed for the weekend while we used “the good car” to attend various events. By the end of the weekend, the water that melted refroze in the general vicinity of my car door locks.
When a natural phenomenon renders a modern convenience totally useless, you get a new perspective. An advanced internal combustion engine perched atop a steel frame crafted to withstand enormous strain is really just a “neo-boulder” when the door locks are frozen. A neo-boulder that collects calendar parking tickets (naturally, only on the north side).
For the benefit of others, here is a step-by-step guide to thawing your car door locks if they freeze. Remember, this is based on my experience, and probably not the only way to solve the problem.
Step #1: Turn the key hard … no, no … HARDER!
Step #2: Lament your “pathetic, wussy writer hands.”
Step #3: Attach hair dryer to extension cord. Blow air on lock. Sub-zero temperatures will keep air “warm,” but never hot. Results similar in effect to slowing the advance of a glacier with the warmth of your own naked body. It might work, but no time soon.
Step #4: Use de-icing spray on lock, door and hinge. Again with the key. Again with the turning.
Step #5: Kick door. Curse. Louder. The neighbors have small children? Tough.
Step #6: It’s just a lock. Have some cocoa. Calm down. Look for solutions on another modern invention, something our president calls “The Internets.”
Step #7: Using solution from Internet, heat key with lighter until very hot. Insert key in lock. Turn.
Step #8: “Aaaarrrrrggggghhhh! Jack Frost, I will find your home and somehow light it afire using the fur of your house pets as kindling. Lo, ye shall rue the day your icy finger touched this lock.” Kick door again. Curse again.
Step #9: Turn on the Weather Channel. Review long-term forecast. Next warm day projected for July 8th. Weep softly.
Step #10: Day 2 – you’re rested and ready, with legs strong like bull from all the walking you’ve been doing lately. Acquire heavy duty heat source from friend. Technically, it’s designed to “strip paint,” so be sure to let the pulsing fog of desperation completely absorb your mind before proceeding.
Step #11: Lose argument with spouse over use of heat gun. Modify nozzle on deicing spray to get farther into the frozen lock mechanism.
Step #12: Six long, cold days after the ice storm, the door is unlocked! Oh, joyous times!
Step #13: The unlocked door is frozen shut. Repeat from Step #1 – this time with gusto.
It’s not much, but I hope it helps if you’re ever in the same situation. Meantime, remember to never let modern devices diminish your respect for nature and its ability to make us look like morons for days on end.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.