Published January 1, 2006 in the Hibbing Daily Tribune
By Aaron J. Brown
Every year I offer New Year’s predictions. Sometimes I am right. Usually I am joking.
Or am I? Big bucks, no whammies! 2006 is on!
In an election night shock, 1920s Hibbing leader Vic Power returns from the hereafter to win reelection as mayor. Power remarks, “Wow, great to see so many familiar faces still running this town.” (Comment followed by well-timed rim shot). Later, ends most city council arguments with the phrase, “I swear I’ll move the town. You think I won’t do it again, but I’m crazy like that.”
One subject of economic development gossip will come true. Officials will announce a new Hibbing chain restaurant, hinted since the Lowe’s project began. The name: FinnegO’MalleyBee Rocky Muckbucker Grill and Saloon G. I. F. It will pretty much serve hamburgers and beer, though it will do so with “attitude,” or if you prefer, “‘tude.”
Lawmakers will appropriate millions of dollars to an Iron Range farmer when it is discovered that his cows produce a gas that burns cleaner than traditional coal combustion. “Reckon I’ll get me some plastic tubes and hook Bessy up to the grist mill down yonder,” the farmer will say. “And hire some lobbyists.”
We will finally learn why officials have failed to upgrade Highway 169 into a continuous four lane highway between Hibbing and Grand Rapids. A shadowy cloak-and-dagger organization founded by civil war veterans had secretly acquired power throughout the 20th Century in order to prevent such a project from moving forward. The identity of the group’s current leader will come as a BIG surprise. He would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
With evolution in the rear-view mirror, radical theologians move to discredit the teaching of Newton’s theory of gravity in favor of the controversial “Holy Fall-Down Theory.” When asked the difference between a scientific theory and a faith-based hypothesis, the theologians will drop to their knees, shrieking and covering their ears.
The Minnesota Twins will end their offensive drought, scoring 1,000 runs in the 2006 season. Unfortunately for fans and their pitching staff, all but six of those runs will be scored during one afternoon game with the Kansas City Royals.
Local school districts won’t have to cut millions from their budgets this year. Student scientists will discover that a mixture of those giant tubs of paste and cafeteria coleslaw yields a low-cost super fuel that can power the world. After that, the future will feature gas stations offering “regular” and “low fat.”
At first, a downturn in the fortunes of American automakers will spell trouble for the local mining industry. Later, everything turns out OK because of a lucrative government contract with steel companies to make Imperial Walkers for the Homeland Security Department. Whew!
A major U.S. state will fall into the ocean after an earthquake. Alarmingly, it will be Nebraska.
The entertainment industry, reeling from a terrible year dominated by bad, unprofitable movies and television programs, will come up with something new. Teaming with corporate partners in the pharmaceutical industry, Hollywood will develop a drug that gives you the sensation of having watched something good. Things go terribly awry after a few months, with everyday citizens ducking into dark alleyways to buy tiny bags of “Full House” episodes and Russell Crowe movies.
So I’ve done it again. As you can see, these predictions are for fun. In truth, 2006 is a clean slate and it’s up to us what comes true or remains a fancy. Enjoy the holiday and stay happy and healthy through the new year.
Aaron J. Brown is a columnist for the Hibbing Daily Tribune.